For so long I lived in this bubble. It was a bubble that only existed to me and when it finally popped and busted my world got flipped upside down and inside out. It was only then that I began to see life the way God intended for me to see it.
It is a fair statement to say that I had a Christian upbringing. My grandfather was and my hero (and still is), he was a minister of music and he walked the walk and talked the talk. He was a true inspiration and a Godly man. He had compassion and a servant's heart and that is one trait I am so glad that I inherited from him. I strived to be like him, but I went about it in all the wrong ways. I felt I had to be almost near perfect, like the way I saw my papa. The part I was not "getting" is that he had 60 plus years to find himself and find who he was in God. I never saw those day to day struggles we all face, with work, raising a young family, and still trying to figure out how to have a successful marriage. He had all these years for God to develop his character and mold him into the man God called him to be, and he obedient to God, and I got to see the man who was closing in at the end of the "working process" not the beginning.
I thought in order to be a "successful" Christian, I had to be as close to perfect as I could. So I talked the talk, but failed miserably at the walk. However, in my bubble, I thought I was doing so well and I thought I for sure was bringing more people to the Kingdom, surely not giving them a bad taste of Christianity. But that is exactly what I was doing. I thought I was leading people to Christ, but in truth I was detouring many of them. Because, I "pretended" that I had it all together and I had this "faith" thing figured out. But in reality, I was so far from having it together and I was just learning what "faith" really meant. I acted as if I really did not have these daily struggles and strongholds, so when people saw the "imperfect" Amber, they automatically thought I was hypercritical and that just would make many have a sour taste for God and what he stood for.
Now that did not mean I still did not love Jesus, but I was going about things all the wrong ways. I was in theory living a lie and hiding the very things that are now part of my testimony. I was hiding the struggles that God wanted to use and work on with me. He did not want me to hide it, but instead he wanted me to be open about it, so that people could see how, just because you are a Christian, life is not always perfect, but God wants for us to call and him and he will work through us and on those to "help" those struggles. He wants people to see he can help you overcome these obstacles. However, I did not allow that, I was too worried about "maintaining" an image. An image that I have it all together and that my life is awesome. I soon let these strongholds engulf me and consume me. I let them take over me and when that happened, I felt I just became a huge disappointment.
I let Satan control my thoughts and I allowed myself to believe his lies, I soon began to feel so unworthy, defeated, broken and beaten down. It was an awful place to be in and it drove me further away from God. I still believed in God, but I no longer felt I deserved his love or grace. After all, in my eyes all I was, was a hypricitial mess. It was a place of loneliness and despair.
It was then at my lowest point, that my bubble finally busted and it all came out. The feelings of worthlessness, the fears, the distrust , the struggles, all of it and it was such a relief. It felt good, because the only place to turn was to God and I went to him and I prayed and prayed and He answered and delivered me in the most amazing way.
I used to try and "overcompensate" for all my struggles and try that much harder to be perfect and in turn it made me a big fake. It made things so much worse. It was only when and only when I gave up total control and handed it over to God. Now I am a work in progress. I still face these struggles, but I don't hide them and they are getting so much better, because I am being honest and fully relying on God to help! Part of my daily prayer is that God keeps growing me in these areas and that He continues to make me new and just to allow people to see through me that the only way I have been able to start the process of diminishing these strongholds is by taking it to God. I am not pretending anymore and I don't feel like I have to pretend I have it all together, because I don't!! I am a mess!! But the mess is what is growing my faith and my character and I am ok with being imperfectly perfect.
Love and Blessings,
Amber!!!!!
