. Out with the old... In with the new..... Yes these words are such a cliche, but no truer words could be spoken for me at the point I am in my life. 2014 was a year of growth, healing, self discovery and finding a balance to my life. There were tears shed, laughs laughed, and even pats on the back for completing many accomplishments. It is also a year that wrote a final chapter to a book. So now that book is completed and it is time to begin the new one!
I am very excited about this book and the chapters that will be written. I can guarantee there will still be tears and laughter, but this book is starting with the main character being so happy with where she is in life, where last years book began with her having a broken heart. I hope there will be chapters filled with my passion for the mission field, my kiddies, new adventures and maybe even a little dating !! And I can guarantee there will be many embarrassing stories, because after all this is me we are talking about!!
This year I hope my faith continues to grow and I become more of a person ; who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. But remembering that even at my best I will still have detours, get off the path and stumble. Overall, I hope I grow deeper in the word and in my relationship with My Saviour.
Thank you 2014 for the many life lessons the good and bad. Thank you for helping me find "balance" in life again. The adventures have been amazing and the friendships that have been made, grown, nurtured and developed are incredible!!!however, it is time to close this book and move on! So here is to 2015 and here's to the the book and chapters!!
Cheers,
Amber
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
13 months later..... My marriage is still my first choice
13 months later... And my marriage is still my first choice .....
I've shared that I have begun testing the waters in the dating world. The newness is exciting and the "problem free" aspect is nice. Meaning you don't have all the issues that come with your marriage. It seems great, but I would not be honest if I did not say , my firsts choice is still for my marriage to work out.
It is not my first choice, because I had the perfect husband or marriage, but because I made a commitment and I want to honor that. I want my family in tact. I made a vow and I don't want to break it. It has taken me so long to understand what and how sacred this vow is.
Truth be told , we did not even come close to having a great marriage and at the beginning I tried all I could go push him away. I threw out the D word , and I closed my self out. I was making the choice to "not love". I wanted to put all the blame on him and continue to point the figure at him. However, now I see love is not easy, you have to chose to love that person.
I know many people say , how and why would you want to take your husband back. But I think the same thing could be asked of him. I heard today in church this phrase, "I love you but.... I can't do this anymore". This phrase is so familiar to me and I am not going to lie and pretend it doesn't hurt, because I want to be worth it to him, worth the fight. And where he changed the but to so... I will fight. Because that is the mindset I have now... I love you so I am going to make the choice to keep fighting. This fight maybe one sided now, but I want to know I 100% gave it my all, and that my kids see my marriage was worth fighting for.
I don't think I really know what it is like to be "one " with some, but in my time of hopelessness, I see hopelessness can bring change. Hope is a lousy strategy for a good marriage.... Relationship ... Hard work is ... You need a "no matter "what kinda of love . Not giving up no matter what. I know and understand I can not change anyone , but I can continue to work and change me. We are not "divorced" yet and until then , I am still praying !
Hopelessly fighting ,
Amber
I've shared that I have begun testing the waters in the dating world. The newness is exciting and the "problem free" aspect is nice. Meaning you don't have all the issues that come with your marriage. It seems great, but I would not be honest if I did not say , my firsts choice is still for my marriage to work out.
It is not my first choice, because I had the perfect husband or marriage, but because I made a commitment and I want to honor that. I want my family in tact. I made a vow and I don't want to break it. It has taken me so long to understand what and how sacred this vow is.
Truth be told , we did not even come close to having a great marriage and at the beginning I tried all I could go push him away. I threw out the D word , and I closed my self out. I was making the choice to "not love". I wanted to put all the blame on him and continue to point the figure at him. However, now I see love is not easy, you have to chose to love that person.
I know many people say , how and why would you want to take your husband back. But I think the same thing could be asked of him. I heard today in church this phrase, "I love you but.... I can't do this anymore". This phrase is so familiar to me and I am not going to lie and pretend it doesn't hurt, because I want to be worth it to him, worth the fight. And where he changed the but to so... I will fight. Because that is the mindset I have now... I love you so I am going to make the choice to keep fighting. This fight maybe one sided now, but I want to know I 100% gave it my all, and that my kids see my marriage was worth fighting for.
I don't think I really know what it is like to be "one " with some, but in my time of hopelessness, I see hopelessness can bring change. Hope is a lousy strategy for a good marriage.... Relationship ... Hard work is ... You need a "no matter "what kinda of love . Not giving up no matter what. I know and understand I can not change anyone , but I can continue to work and change me. We are not "divorced" yet and until then , I am still praying !
Hopelessly fighting ,
Amber
Friday, December 12, 2014
Ding Ding..... Round 1
A couple of weeks ago, we had a slight incident with our toaster oven. It had a little malfunction, that resulted in a small fire. Now, I do know enough from being married to a fireman, to keep it contained and I did. It stayed contained and never got out of the toaster oven, but out of precaution, I called 911. Ironically, I was wearing a HPFD sweatshirt, and just put vitamin e on my face, so it was sticky and shiny. I am sure I was quite a site to see, good thing firemen are no longer really my thing!!! However, right before this transpired, the kids and I were writing letters to Santa. I even wrote one, which happened to be laid out. I am quite positive they saw it!!!
I decided to have fun with my letter. I wrote that I wanted "my perfect guy" for Christmas!!! I even listed the characteristics I was looking for. Now, I know that someone is saying, you seriously can not be that picky, but I am. I like hats on guys, I like tattoos, I like a guy who is active and enjoys sports, but I love someone who can make me laugh, I love a man who Loves God and a man who loves his children. The things I used to think was so important are not as important to me know and its the other qualities that stand out to me now. And these qualities I love were in bold caps in my letter, while the others were just merely written.
I have not been back to dating long, but since I have, I feel I have been in a boxing match. It is exhausting and I am ready just to take the KO and not "fight" in anymore rounds. Now do not get me wrong, I love the talking and meeting new people. It is fun and exhilarating and makes you feel pretty good, it is the rest that is exhausting. I have never really been one to date more than one person at a time, but I am learning that this is the norm. This is a little challenging to me, because it is hard to decide where your limits are when you are dating more than one person. Can you kiss each one, how well do you allow yourself to get to know them, do you allow yourself to potentially "fall". I know with me I stay pretty guarded and I even feel myself, become somewhat bitchy too. I know it is more of a defensive mechanism, but how is even possible to totally open up to someone, when there is more than "one" in the picture. To me opening up, is more intimidate and takes time and trust. So I am finding it very hard to really truly get to know someone under these conditions and to allow someone to get to know me.
Then the thing I try not to think about is this..... I do feel I am constantly in a boxing ring. Throwing punches and receiving punches. You constantly have to throw punches to stay in the game and you are constantly receiving them just to keep up and compete with others. I am a very competitive person, but very selfish when it comes to dating. I want to be number 1, yet this is such a hypocritical statement, and I am aware of this. That is why I am about just to take the KO and take another year off!!!!
Finding the balance,
Amber
I decided to have fun with my letter. I wrote that I wanted "my perfect guy" for Christmas!!! I even listed the characteristics I was looking for. Now, I know that someone is saying, you seriously can not be that picky, but I am. I like hats on guys, I like tattoos, I like a guy who is active and enjoys sports, but I love someone who can make me laugh, I love a man who Loves God and a man who loves his children. The things I used to think was so important are not as important to me know and its the other qualities that stand out to me now. And these qualities I love were in bold caps in my letter, while the others were just merely written.
I have not been back to dating long, but since I have, I feel I have been in a boxing match. It is exhausting and I am ready just to take the KO and not "fight" in anymore rounds. Now do not get me wrong, I love the talking and meeting new people. It is fun and exhilarating and makes you feel pretty good, it is the rest that is exhausting. I have never really been one to date more than one person at a time, but I am learning that this is the norm. This is a little challenging to me, because it is hard to decide where your limits are when you are dating more than one person. Can you kiss each one, how well do you allow yourself to get to know them, do you allow yourself to potentially "fall". I know with me I stay pretty guarded and I even feel myself, become somewhat bitchy too. I know it is more of a defensive mechanism, but how is even possible to totally open up to someone, when there is more than "one" in the picture. To me opening up, is more intimidate and takes time and trust. So I am finding it very hard to really truly get to know someone under these conditions and to allow someone to get to know me.
Then the thing I try not to think about is this..... I do feel I am constantly in a boxing ring. Throwing punches and receiving punches. You constantly have to throw punches to stay in the game and you are constantly receiving them just to keep up and compete with others. I am a very competitive person, but very selfish when it comes to dating. I want to be number 1, yet this is such a hypocritical statement, and I am aware of this. That is why I am about just to take the KO and take another year off!!!!
Finding the balance,
Amber
Monday, December 1, 2014
Standing
If you had asked me a year and 4 days ago, where I would be in a year, I would have given you a totally different answer then what my reality is. I would have given you an answer that included my family still being in tact. However, circumstances change and sometimes whether you want it or not, you life begins to change.
A year and 3 days ago, my life drastically changed. My "forever" left and I had to come head to head with many new choices and decisions. Honestly, at first I did not have the drive, I was sad, it was near the holidays and all I could think about was how am I going to do this alone? I have said before I have been in a relationship for almost straight 17 years, yes it included a couple different relationships, but regardless I never took time for myself. I always had to be with someone and I felt I needed someone. So when I decided to take the past year off from dating, I knew it was going to be hard and challenging.
But, here I am a year later and I made it and I am still STANDING. Not only am I still standing, but I feel I am at a much better place emotionally than I have been in a very long time. I have found myself again and am no longer defined by who I am with. I no longer am living in my past mistakes, but am happy with where I am and who I have become. I now feel proud and accomplished. I have learned to hang things, now many maybe a little crooked, but they are hung. All these things that I thought I would never be able to do, I am doing it, perhaps not perfect, but I am learning that I like the imperfections. My children's Christmas may not be as "big" as they are used to, but they will have to learn not about the "material things" it is about the time and memories made, as I need to learn it is ok for them not to get everything they "want".
I am so far from the perfect person and the reality is I am still a single mom. I still have hurts, frustrations, and fears, but now I am choosing to have hope. Yesterday in church we talked about hope and it hit home. My hope does not mean, I know my future will be always happy and optimistic, but rather my hopes are tangible. I know and believe that God is invested in me and I choose to trust in His plan for me. I now know I will still face challenges, but the hope gives me the courage to take them on. I am expecting more obstacles, but I know God is for me, not against me, and these obstacles will continue to grow my character, and continue me into the woman God has called me to be. My present situation could allow me to be a victim and be disappointed in life. And even lose the drive, energy and motivation to keep trying. But Hope shows me that my unknown future is known, because of the cross. It allows me to keep going, keep my head up and stay positive.
Love,
Amber
A year and 3 days ago, my life drastically changed. My "forever" left and I had to come head to head with many new choices and decisions. Honestly, at first I did not have the drive, I was sad, it was near the holidays and all I could think about was how am I going to do this alone? I have said before I have been in a relationship for almost straight 17 years, yes it included a couple different relationships, but regardless I never took time for myself. I always had to be with someone and I felt I needed someone. So when I decided to take the past year off from dating, I knew it was going to be hard and challenging.
But, here I am a year later and I made it and I am still STANDING. Not only am I still standing, but I feel I am at a much better place emotionally than I have been in a very long time. I have found myself again and am no longer defined by who I am with. I no longer am living in my past mistakes, but am happy with where I am and who I have become. I now feel proud and accomplished. I have learned to hang things, now many maybe a little crooked, but they are hung. All these things that I thought I would never be able to do, I am doing it, perhaps not perfect, but I am learning that I like the imperfections. My children's Christmas may not be as "big" as they are used to, but they will have to learn not about the "material things" it is about the time and memories made, as I need to learn it is ok for them not to get everything they "want".
I am so far from the perfect person and the reality is I am still a single mom. I still have hurts, frustrations, and fears, but now I am choosing to have hope. Yesterday in church we talked about hope and it hit home. My hope does not mean, I know my future will be always happy and optimistic, but rather my hopes are tangible. I know and believe that God is invested in me and I choose to trust in His plan for me. I now know I will still face challenges, but the hope gives me the courage to take them on. I am expecting more obstacles, but I know God is for me, not against me, and these obstacles will continue to grow my character, and continue me into the woman God has called me to be. My present situation could allow me to be a victim and be disappointed in life. And even lose the drive, energy and motivation to keep trying. But Hope shows me that my unknown future is known, because of the cross. It allows me to keep going, keep my head up and stay positive.
Love,
Amber
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)