Home Runs, Strike Outs, and Wiffle Ball

Everyday my kids are outside playing ball. They might be hitting off a tee , throwing , or lately it is wiffle ball and home run derby. There are many times I get in the game too, well one night I decided to hit, but to make it a little fairer I hit left handed. Truett came up behind me as I was swinging the the bat caught his head. Now, since I was batting left handed I was putting all my might into it and it looked like I was doing some awkward version of the chicken dance. You could tell I was not comfortable hitting that way and I had no control over how I actually swung the bat. Unfortunately, Tru got the ramifications from it. Everyone immediately started laughing, because honestly it was a funny sight and thank goodness it was a wiffle ball bat and just plastic and really did not hurt him. His first reaction was he was fine , but once he noticed everyone laughing at him getting hit in the head, then he started crying. Now, I am not all evil, although I was chuckling, I also ran to comfort him and apologize to him. Within minutes the game had resumed and all was right again!

I love the game of baseball and I love watching it... I am a true fan! This week as a family we watched the home run derby. In case you are not familiar with the home run derby, some of the best home run hitters are selected to go head to head and see who can hit the most home runs in a certain time frame. Aaron Judge won and I actually was pullin for him. Now if you know me this is a big deal , because he is a Yankee and I hate the Yankees ..... I am a pretty big Oriole fan. But I have enjoyed watching him this season (just not against my O's). He is extremely talented, has a love for the game that is aparant and makes baseball fun to watch. However, not everyone shares my views... he has his haters and critics. No matter how good he does they are going to pick him apart and highlight on everything that is wrong instead of praising the good . Sometimes in life we face the same thing. No matter how much good we do or how much growth we make as a person, people will always only see the negative. They will rip us apart and pick out every flaw. And we are human , so we all have flaws. And it is no fun being made fun of, just like Truett crying, because he was being laughed at. Anytime I used to hear comments about me I would get sad and depressed and stressed trying to change myself so I can have their approval. But the thing is the more I tried to  change just to have their approval, the sadder I got, bc I realized, even if I fixed the issue they were critizing me on, they would find something new to make fun of me for. It is kind of like trying to hit the bat left handed, trying to change something about me For the sole purpose of pleasing others is awkward and unnatural. It is not the way God made me and not embracing and accepting the way God created me. We will all have our haters, but God did not mess up with he created us and he loves us... flawed and all!

I have said this numerous of times , when my mission trips starts approaching , my life gets attacked from so many different angles. I know without a doubt it is the devil trying to scare me away from going, because the impact these trips have on me and others is enough to scare the devil, and he wants to do any and everything he can to prevent it from happening. This past month has been hard. I have cried more times that I can count and to be honest there have been a couple times I felt like my heart was Just ripped from me . I have had the loneliest of moments, been discouraged, been made fun of, been taken advantage of, been questioned and been made a joke . I truly felt I had Struck Out in this game of life. And the flesh side me would question why this was happening, and then the spirit in me... tells me all of these things are not from God, it is the devil , as cliche as it sounds. But instead of crying and worrying about all these things I have no control over ... I just need to make sure I am putting my trust in God. I don't have a fighting chance to get through these things without God and I will continue ro strike out if I don't rely on him and trust him. I am trusting God to get me through these things and I am handling myself so different from how I used to. I am trying to let the spirit and prayer lead me and not my flesh.  I have no doubt God is going use me like he never has before in this mission trip  and that is why Satan has attacked with a vengeance.  It is so close and I am so excited - I have some fear ha ... like adjusting to no running water , but I am ready!! !

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding " Proverbs 3:5. I have been reciting and reciting this verse. It is so powerful!! Please pray for myself and my team to have the most amazing experience in Haiti snd that we are able to reflect the love of Jesus!!

No switch hitting for me,

Amber

Just like that.... You are now an adult!!!

    Tonight I sat at my first high school graduation, as a high school teacher.  I felt kinda odd at first having to wear gowns, ourselves, but after seeing all the teachers together, I saw the significance behind them.  It symbolized many things and I felt proud to be there at that moment and at such a defining moment for these students.
    It is crazy to think that after thirteen years of school, it all comes down to this moment.  You hear a couple speeches, you get handed your diploma and as soon as the principal announces it, you are a high school graduate.  Just like that you are now an adult.  You now have real life choices to make.... do I further my education, or do I go in the work force?  No matter what the decision is, your life is about to drastically change.  Hopefully, for the better.
   Sitting there brought me back to sitting at my high school graduation.  I was so happy, I was in love, I had a full scholarship, and life was treating me pretty good.  I thought it was an opportunity to escape some demons and finally move past them.  I knew what I wanted to do, which was teach, so I felt I had the world at my fingertips.  Never once did I anticipate more bad luck coming my way, or that I would ever make bad choices.  But as much as I wanted my life to end up happily ever after.... things happened, bad choices were made, unfortunate events transpired and basically life just happened.  Now don't get me wrong, some pretty amazing things also has happened throughout the years.
    So no, this is not how or where I thought my life would be, when I was sitting at my own graduation, but this is still the life God has chose for me.  The events and situations have all grown me and developed my character.  And I am pretty sure He is still growing me and developing me, because, again, life is still happening!!!
    I am praying hard for each graduate that walked the stage tonight.  I pray they all have the will to push and move forward even when life throws them a curve ball, because it will.  But sometimes that curve ball is the perfect pitch for you!

Congratulations Graduates,

Amber

It is finally here.....D day

       It is pretty fair to say growing up, you always imagine life being good and having the happy ever after, just like in all the fairy tales.  You never "plan" on the worse or expect things to be otherwise.  But life does not always go as planned or expected and we are thrown curve balls.  Today is the ending to what I thought was my future and my forever.  Because, just like that with one signature all the years we put together, is like it never happened.  It is over.  Divorce is nasty is not fun and I would not wish it upon my worse enemy.  Holidays, ball games, school functions, they will never be the same.  It seems like it is not fair, but like an any situation, you adapt, and you move forward.
    It has been almost 2 years now, (crazy to think it has been that long uh), but the finality of it comes down to today.  These 2 years have taught me, grown me and made me put on my big girl pants and move forward.  At the beginning, I was devastated and did not think there was any hope, that I was doomed, but amazingly, life went on, God provided and grew my character.  I am not saying I am happy with my divorce, but obviously God has turned a bad situation and made it good.  Perhaps, I needed this life event to become the woman God wants me to be and has called me to be. 
   I am actually pretty happy with life right now and see now that happiness is not based on one person or having the "perfect life".  My life will never be perfect and I am ok with that, because perfection is so overrated and it is boring anyways.  I will always be a mom of 4, I will probably still run late, I will always continue to have "Amber moments", take up two parking spots, still care a little to much about situations I have no control over, never have the perfect body, be so ADD it is not even funny, lose stuff on a daily basis and still have my "inappropriate laughing moments", BUT those are the qualities God gave me and what helps me be me, and I kinda of like those things about me.  (perhaps not being late, I am trying hard to work on being early)
   Who knows what the future holds for me.  I do not know if marriage will ever be in the equation, or if love is, but I do know my outlook on life is not that of a bitter person.  Yes, I will face obstacles, but who does not?  No matter what it holds, I am quite sure it will be fun, full of laughter, travel and adventures with my kids and friends.    My kids are my greatest accomplishment to date and I have the absolute best friends anyone could ask for, so although I could chose to sulk at this day and be a cynic about things to come, I am choosing to see, I am in so much of a better place and am truly happy now with the life God has given me!!!

Officially single,

Amber

Kids will be......... Well KIDS!!!

      I grew up an only child, so I always knew I wanted a big family.  Now I am blessed with four kids.  They give me my purpose for living and a reason to better myself everyday.  They all have such unique personalities and all though I am bias, they are all pretty good kids.  My biggest fear in life is they repeat the same mistakes I made, or live in the shadows of my mistakes. 
    When Kiptyn was born, I prayed for a scripture for each of my children, and constantly pray that scripture over their life.  They all have their issues as we all do, but to see how each of them are excelling is making me extremely proud.  I think for me it is easy sometimes to get caught up, in what I am doing wrong as a mom and beat myself up over it.  However, this weekend away from it all and had quiet time, I sat and made a list of all the awesome qualities my children possess.  I am going to share it with them tonight and print it up and put on the refrigerator, so they are reminded daily of these powerful things.  Too often we capitalize on the bad and not good, so at least for that brief moment, they see their good.  Let me share them with you......

KYNDALL..... for starters she is kind and thoughtful.  She loves helping other children.  She is extremely creative and actually helps me so much.  She is a straight A student who also excels in sports and she LOVES GOD.  Teachers repeatedly tell me they wish they could clone her!!!  She is loyal and so so smart.

ANDON....... Has a heart of gold.  He will give you shirt off his back if needed and will befriend anyone.  He is bilingual and crazy athletic.  He can play any sport and excel in it... At 8 he had already won nationals in baseball.  If I am sick, he is the one that always is looking out for me.  He never gets in trouble at school and works hard to maintain his good grades.

KIPTYN..... my boy has overcome so much.  When I look where he was a year ago and where he is now, all I can do is smile and be so proud.  His preschool class says he is one of the best and is so so good.  He has had is struggles, but even at 5, is learning how to deal with them and is doing incredible at it.  He is crazy smart already and also already hitting the baseball to the fence!!!!

TRUETT.....  This little boy lights up my day.  He is the baby, but boy he is tough as nails.  He can take a hit and get up like a champ.  He already can ride a dirt bike and play any sport you throw at him.  His coordination at his age is amazing.  He really can be thrown in any situation and see the good in it.  He loves unconditionally and  at school they say he never gets in trouble and is such a good boy. Kiptyn and Truett are favorites at the nursing home as they visit.  They love visiting and talking to the residents.

So when I look at this list, I see how incredibly blessed I am and how awesome my kids are.  All four of them love helping others and have a huge heart.  I am excited to see where God takes all them in the future and even us as a family.  I know he has a calling for us as a family and I can not wait to see where he leads us and the many experiences we will have together.

In saying all this, I know my kids are not perfect, after all they are kids.  But so often we see negative and then they began believing the negative.  I know I will still have days where they might bring me to tears, or where I feel I am failing, but I hope I can always be the mom that shows them love and compassion.  Also, I definitely am not the person or mom, who pretends life is perfect, because it is not.  They see me for me, the good and bad, and I hope in doing that, they can see life is not about being perfect, but striving to be the best person you can be.

"Train a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

I pray now I can train my children this way, and let them see how awesome of a God we serve.  And even though our struggles, He is constant!!!!!

Blessed mommy,

Amber
    

Voices in my head... No wait outside voices.... Shhh..... I am so confused

     I love sports and that is no secret. I love watching and going to live events, but I especially love playing them.  I am ultra competitive, especially when  I played travel sports and school ball growing up.  One thing I think I was pretty good at was tuning people out.  I think it started, because I am a quieter person by nature (still outgoing just not very loud), but many people are the opposite and I just hated hearing all that "noise" as I was trying to play the game I loved.  I began at a young age to tune all the voices out that came from the stands or from people watching the game. I focused on the game I was playing and that was it.  I really could have cared less what people around me was saying about me or the team.  However, there were a couple big games where I did allow myself to "listen" to these voices and I can tell you, it desperately screwed with me.  It messed me up and made my game way off.  I played horrible and was no where playing to my potential, all because I chose not to tune people out and I allowed their taunts to get to me.
     I wish I was as good tuning people out in real life as I was playing sports growing up.  It always seems there is someone who wants to put their unsolicited advice into a situation, or just try and start things and get in the middle of something they have no business in. I am learning to not care and push this type of behavior to the side.  But unlike the game, life does not end a hour later. 
   Last night I got pretty frustrated with many things and almost debated if I should just take a break from quiet time and praying, because  I felt everything that I had been journaling and things I am sure God is telling me is so contradictory to the way life is actually panning out at this moment.  One word, I have felt God whisper over and over to me is "patience".  But DANG I thought that part was over, yet last night as I was debating if prayer is even worth it, I felt God tug at my heart and I clearly heard Him say He is still working on me, be patient.  So here I am God, I am listening to you, the One voice in my head that matters.  One thing is always constant with God, when I listen to Him and pay more attention to God's word and my journals, then the outside voices, He never fails me.  He stays true to all He has promised me and all He has told me. 
     When I listen to "outside" voices that is when the issues,  the doubt, and the fear arise.  All that extra noise is not from God.  Some people really enjoy seeing others fail and really do not have the best intentions for you, even if they appear they might.  Whether it is misery, jealousy or insecurities that drive this behavior, it is irrelevant to me, because I have to learn out to "tune" these outside voices out.  Just like in my ballgames, when I tuned the "noise" out, I played to Amber's potential, and I did not care what anyone said and it worked out for the good.  So please pray with me, that I can learn to "tune" all this noise out in my life as well, because it does nothing but cause bitterness and distress.  Pray I can stay focused on continuing to hear God and allow that to be the only voice in my head I pay attention to.

"I listen carefully to what God the Lord is saying, for he speaks peace to his faithful people....."Psalms 85:8
"while it is said: Today, if you hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts..." Hebrews 3:15

Keeping the outside voices out and inside voices in....

Amber
    

The Paddle

    When I was in college, I went on a white water rafting trip.  I have to say it was a lot of fun, I really enjoyed it.  I sat on the very back of the raft and by the end of the trip, I was exhausted.  I paddled so hard and got the best workout.  I really thought I was helping our raft out.  At the end the guide even told us we should do the next level up, because he thought we could handle it.  So I left the trip really thinking, I was awesome at this new activity I tried.  I was sore, I had fun, and the guide even thought I was good at rafting.
     At the end of the trip you had the option of buying a video that taped some of your experience.  Of course I bought this, I wanted the memory and I wanted to "show off" my new ability to friends and family.  So needless to say, I was so excited to watch the video.  However, I was shocked at what I saw.  Oh I was paddling great and as hard as my little heart would let me, but there was one problem, the paddle never hit the water.  It was actually comical to watch, here I was paddling so hard and the only opposing force was the wind, no water.  I was so disappointed, all that hard work for nothing.  The sad thing is I really thought I was doing my part and making a difference.  Just like in life, I think I am doing good, praying, trying to do right, but the truth is I fail miserably everyday.  My hope and goal, however, is that I can just become better than I was and continue to work and grow everyday.
      As a woman and single mother I think it is very easy to get caught up and say, man I am doing good .  I do the laundry, run errands, cook, clean, take care of kids, do baths, work out,, work two jobs, get kids to sports,  etc......  Now the list could go on and on but while it does help in some aspects, if I am not spiritually being the woman and mom God as called me to be, then it is not helping and all that hard work really will not make a difference until I do become that woman of God.  Trying to be this Godly woman is one of the hardest journey I think I have been on. Fighting all these flesh desires is hard, but well worth it and this is such a growing and humbling experience.This is the first time in my life that I am truly seeing what a difference God is making in me.  Life is always difficult and hard, but through the trials is where you see your character grow.  "each one's work will become clear for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one's work, of what sort it is.  If anyone's work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward."(1 Corinthians 3:13-14)  If the work you do, is done in the right attitude and right intentions, God will bless that and things will work out.  Like in life, God will bless it, but it takes a lot of paddling.  I can do everything I am  "supposed" to do, but without  God's grace, I am just padding in thin air. 

Me Selfish----Whatever---Or Maybe

Me selfish ---- Whatever 

     I have started fasting over a couple things lately and it has challenged me greatly to look deep within myself and honestly I feel convicted in many areas. Yesterday I shared I am somewhat convicted about trying to live me humbly. Well I feel God has also challenged me to look at my selfish ways. 

     I think I actually became over confident in this area. I mean I might be a lot of things , but selfish .... No way... Not me... Not even close. But God has open my eyes a little on this and I have seen I am perhaps a little selfish. 

     Am I doing things to please me more or God? I think in a lot of ways I carry on my life to please myself and then fit God into that.  However, I also think there is a very specific area I believe I am putting my needs aside and actively pursing God's will. This is hard for me, because I have gone back and forth on if this is really my "selfish want" or what I feel God wants. I have prayed so much over this issue and journaled throughout and the outcome has remained constant. Although I have realized yes I am a very selfish person, God's plan for you can also be a desire of yours. So no I do not think it is selfish of you keeping pressing through and pushing through and fighting for something you want, if you have taken it to God's word and prayer. In fact I think many times it is much easier to give up, because I fully believe sometimes to get the outcome God desires for you, you might have to go out of your comfort zone. Going out of your comfort zone is not selfish, in fact, it is a time to draw closer to Him. It very well can be challenging and hard and most likely will! Anything in my life that has ultimately been good and rewarding has not been easy. God has used the time before to push me and I am choosing now to press through, because for once I am trusting in His words and His promises He had given me. I am also going to trust what I know God has told me and laid on my heart!

Selfishly and unselfishly yours, 

Amber