Me Selfish----Whatever---Or Maybe

Me selfish ---- Whatever 

     I have started fasting over a couple things lately and it has challenged me greatly to look deep within myself and honestly I feel convicted in many areas. Yesterday I shared I am somewhat convicted about trying to live me humbly. Well I feel God has also challenged me to look at my selfish ways. 

     I think I actually became over confident in this area. I mean I might be a lot of things , but selfish .... No way... Not me... Not even close. But God has open my eyes a little on this and I have seen I am perhaps a little selfish. 

     Am I doing things to please me more or God? I think in a lot of ways I carry on my life to please myself and then fit God into that.  However, I also think there is a very specific area I believe I am putting my needs aside and actively pursing God's will. This is hard for me, because I have gone back and forth on if this is really my "selfish want" or what I feel God wants. I have prayed so much over this issue and journaled throughout and the outcome has remained constant. Although I have realized yes I am a very selfish person, God's plan for you can also be a desire of yours. So no I do not think it is selfish of you keeping pressing through and pushing through and fighting for something you want, if you have taken it to God's word and prayer. In fact I think many times it is much easier to give up, because I fully believe sometimes to get the outcome God desires for you, you might have to go out of your comfort zone. Going out of your comfort zone is not selfish, in fact, it is a time to draw closer to Him. It very well can be challenging and hard and most likely will! Anything in my life that has ultimately been good and rewarding has not been easy. God has used the time before to push me and I am choosing now to press through, because for once I am trusting in His words and His promises He had given me. I am also going to trust what I know God has told me and laid on my heart!

Selfishly and unselfishly yours, 

Amber

My Not So Simple Life

   I love to take the kids on vacations.  Most of the time, we just go on short weekend or day trips.  We love to visit, do and see new things.  In fact, our new thing is to try and visit a new ball park every year.  One weekend we went to Charlotte for the weekend.  They had an indoor pool at the hotel and the kids loved it.  We really did not do that much that weekend, but we had a really good time.  In fact, if you ask Kyndall or Andon it is one of their favorite trips to date.  We had a really nice, but small room.  It had a living space, small kitchen and a bedroom and one bath.  We also had a very similar experience when we visited Atlanta.  We did do a little more, like the Braves game, Coca Cola museum, and aquarium, but it was still very short and our hotel was very similar.  Every-time we go one these type trips we love spending the quality family time together.  It never feels "small".  In fact, it feels just the opposite, it feels like we have a lot of room.  Which is quite ironic considering, how all of us sometimes feels cramped in our four bedroom/loft house.
   Now I know we do not have al our toys, furniture, or clothes, and most of our "materialistic" stuff is at home.  And it is never missed!! We pack a handful of toys and just the necessities that we will need.  Today I have really been thinking about these mini vacations and even Nicaragua and I feel somewhat convicted.  When I am home, sometimes I get caught up in wanting way more than I need (more clothes, bigger house, nicer car, more toys for kids, etc..) When you do without this stuff it puts it into perspective and you see how much you really DO NOT need it.  When we do not have all the "extras" we are forced to play with each other and spend that time together, and it is AWESOME!
     It is so easy to get caught up in confusing your wants with your needs.  The simple fact is God has given my family way more than we could ever need.  We have a wonderful house, a decent car, nice clothes, plenty of food, lots and lots of toys, and more gadgets than we know what to do with, yet our whole house is guilty of wanting so much more.  The past year and a half we have had do scale down our wants, since I am a single mom of 4, but yet, this has put the conviction more in my heart.  I am  beginning to hate this selfishness side of me and I actually find it insulting when someone tries to impress me or win me over with money.  I want my kids to learn and realize there is so much more to life than "things".  I want us to focus more on relationships and having a good heart verses earthly possessions and being so worried about stuff that does not build character.  "Not that I speak in regard to need for I have learned in whatever state I am content.  I know how to be abased (live humbly) and live in prosperity, everywhere in all things I have learned to be both full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:11-13 

Trying to live more humble,
Amber

Roller Coaster.... Not sure how to feel about the ride

                 The end of this past summer, the two older kids and myself went to Carowinds, for my birthday.  We had an awesome time!!  I used to be fearless when it came to rides and I would ride anything.  However, I have to admit, by the 4th upside ride we rode, I felt a little nauseous.  I actually got a little sad, that I just could not hang like I used to.  Not sure if it is because I am getting older or having kids or what, but man I think my face actually turned a little green and I did have to hang my head low and sit out a ride!!  Rolle coasters are fun, but they are a mix of emotions, fear, excitement, joy, suspense, worry and so many more.  Well I feel I am on a rollercoaster now in life, and honestly not quite sure how to take it.
                I love a little fear and the anticipation of a rollercoaster, it keeps you on your toes and awakens a part of your heart that stirs up excitement.  But right before I get on, I always want to back out.  The what ifs start popping in my head and I start to worry.  What if... it breaks down...what if....my seat belt is not tight enough..... what if it falls off the track... Yes my mind goes crazy in those final moments. 
               Life is fun, life is challenging, it is filled with highs and lows and ups and downs.  It is a rollercoaster.  The challenging part about life and a rolle coaster is deciding who to ride the ride with.  Since December, I have had so many of these highs and lows.  My grandmother who I am extremely close to,  had to move into Pennyburn.  It is an extremely nice nursing home and I know it is the best of the best, but when I visit and see her confusion in who I am, it is devastating and I am having a hard time dealing with it.  I also have lost my best friend, who was my dog for 17 years.  I loved that little girl.  She loved me unconditionally, lasted longer than any relationship and was just there for me when I needed her.  I also had a big scare concerning my mom, this past Friday.  I know this is "life", and I always try to maintain a positive attitude, but I think when you tend to be a "happy" person, people don't allow you to have "down" moments.
              I have done a lot of praying and fasting these past couple months and have relentlessly been hoping for a breakthrough.  I want God to open my eyes so big and wide, so I am fully living out his will! I am not a patient person, and I do feel God has revealed so many things to me, which is an awesome feeling, but again it is like the rollercoaster.  Even when I feel I am fully trying to live for Him, the human nature side comes out, and I allow confusion, doubt, fear and so many more emotions come into play.  I am quite positive, God is growing my character more now than ever, but please pray with me, that I can continue to grow and be the woman He has called me to be and that I can start handling situations without feeling like I am on a rollercoaster.

Diligently praying,

Amber :)