I need you ... The last chapter to my not so love story

     Last night I worked a wedding. There was an older couple there who was just absolutely precious! They danced together, took pictures together and held hands. I joked and said they must be newlyweds, because it seems so uncommon to see a lasting love like that anymore. Honestly, I was quite envious. And for a split second I became a little sad, but the joy that radiated from both of them made it hard to keep a smile from my face. True love is beautiful and seeing this Is simple reminder that love can endure and can win in the end.
     My year is a couple weeks away now and it is bitter sweet. Adam and I are still good friends and he gave me 2 of the most precious gifts, but through this year I have seen that we did not have that "love", I do love him and always will, but it is not a passionate heart stopping love. This week I have been ready to fully close that book and begin writing a new one. I am not quite sure what the chapters will look like, and honestly the book my not be a love story and that is ok.. But my hopes is it has a happy ending filled with a lot of humor and learning experiences.
     Today at church we had communion and I took all this to prayer, and just prayed Gid will continue to make this transition smooth for all involved. When I got in the car I heard the most appropriate two songs. One talked about being set free and how true this is. I have finally been set free of the strongholds that have kept me captive for so long. The second song us called "Running In Circles". Here is some of the lyrics..

    I'm so forgetful, but you always remind me
You're the only one who brings me peace
You're the only one who brings me peace

So I come, Lord I come, I come, Lord I come
To tell you i love you
To tell you i need you
To tell you theres no better place for me than in your arms
To tell you im sorry for running in circles
For placing my focus on the ways and not your face
You're the only one who brings me peace
You're the only one who brings me peace. 

In this new book I need to remember the only thing I need is God and how amazing His Grace and Love is. It is the absolute purest form of love. A love that should fill you up so much that, that is the only love you need and crave. The other loves are "earthly bonuses". I am Eternally thankful He sends these reminders to me, even-in the form of music!

Chapter 1, 

Amber

  I was able to spend the day with Kyndall and it was awesome.  With four kiddies, it is not everyday, they each get one on one time with me.  I love being with her.  She is my saving grace from being around boys all the time.  We can giggle together, shop, get our nails done and even play softball together.  However, as I walked around with her today, there were moments I just wanted to freeze.  She laughed, hugged me, held my hand and I even got a little teary eyed wondering if she would soon outgrow this.  I am selfish when it comes to my kids and I want them to stay my babies, but I know this is not the case.
  I am not blind and I see how she is growing up.  I see the absolute pure beauty in her.  She has this potential to have an amazing future, because as beautiful as I think she is, her heart is huge and I pray she uses it for so much good.  But, I also know she is getting ready to enter, the teenage years.  I fear so much and pray so hard that she handles it well, but watching her today the fears resurfaced. 
  I was never a wild child, but I know times are different even from when I was growing up.  I tend to be pretty laid back, but I am also a bit old fashioned.  I still believe the boy should do the asking out and even call first.  I know this is not the norm, but I want her to see this is what she deserves.  I do not ever want her to feel she needs to throw herself at a boy, talk ugly or present herself in a way that is not her just for attention. 
   My biggest fear in life is that my kids will repeat my mistakes or live in them.  So I hope I can raise an independent daughter, who keeps her morals and values in tact.  On the flip side she does have about 100 brothers who will be watching her and keeping her in check!!  But please pray that Kyndall and I get through these next very important years with grace, patience, understanding and love!!


A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart. 


A mother's treasure is her daughter.  ~Catherine Pulsifer,


A daughter is a mother's gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension


And mothers are their daughters' role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships.  ~Victoria Secunda


A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer.  ~Author Unknown
“Do not forget to tell your daughters God made them beautiful.”
― Habeeb Akande

“The daughter prays; the mother listens.”
― Amanda Downum, The Drowning City

Kyndall's mommy,


Amber

Inked and a Christian---Is that even possible??

      When I was younger I had no desire what so ever to get a tattoo.  I probably even stereotyped the people who had them. Boy has my opinion changed.  I love them and I appreciate the art behind them and the story that many of them tell.  However, I have been challenged by many people that it is a sin to get a tattoo and that it goes against what God wants.  After hearing this so much, I decided to study this and get my own outcome from this topic.  I studied scripture, listened to podcasts and asked opinions of many; Christians with and without tattoos.  This is the conclusion I came to.
        One of the first things you hear people who are against tattoos say is Leviticus 19:28.  In case you are not familiar with this verse, here it is: "Do not cut your bodies or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord".  Of course at first glance it does very clearly state you should not get tattoos, but when you dig down into this verse it is not exactly how it appears.  First of all, this is from the Old Testament, and this is the Laws from way back .  Now, personally, I believe to live more accordingly to the New Testament, but you also need to realize that God was talking to the people of Israel and giving them laws.  These were laws of the times and if you read more of Leviticus, you would also see many of the laws are outdated and you would not apply those laws to your life today.  For example, it also says not to eat flesh with blood, therefore, any eating meat would not be right or it says do not eat any fruits or vegetables that have not been cultivated it is forbidden and you can not eat it for 3 years.  Also, in verse 19, if you applied this literally, then ear piercing would be a sin as well.  But, we need to realize when God was telling the people of Israel this, their neighbors were doing a lot of pagan worship.  They would cut and mark their bodies to worship the dead  and other gods.  God did not want the people of Israel to be associated with this or to make people think they worshipped these other things, so God set that law in place.  So when you look at Leviticus, I personally feel it becomes a wisdom issue verses sin issue.  You have to learn how to take it in the right context.  If we get a tattoo now, it does not mean we are worshipping other gods or the dead and people no longer associate tattoos with that. 
          I also have people throw 1 Corinthians 19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own".  I agree here that our body is a temple, however, in the verse, He is actually talking about sexual immorality and how when you have sex outside of marriage, you are marking your body up internally, almost like you are put graffiti on the inside of your body.  So this is a more of an internal issue verses external and again you need to look at the verse in the right context. And if you truly want to treat it as a temple, then you need to take good care of it and watch what harmful things you put in your body or things you subject your body to that could have negative effects. 
         Once verse that seems to stand out to me is  1 Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.  The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart".  This is when Samuel was going to chose the next king and Saul would be who many thought would be the one picked, because he was tall and handsome, but God warned on judging by appearance alone.  When you look at appearance alone, you may overlook a quality someone has or lacks.  Appearance does not reveal what people are really like or what their true value is. 
         We also see in Revelation 19 reference to Jesus's thigh saying "it is written on him", so we could stretch this even to say a little, and say this is like a tattoo.  So no I do not think tattoos are a sin.  I think they are a way to express yourself and to tell a story.  For me personally, mine tell a story and as of right now, they do relate to God and they  begin to tell my journey and walk with God, but this does not mean all mine will.  I think we should not worry about things so trivial as tattoos in the grand scheme of things and it definitely is not our place to walk around condemning and judging others.  I know this is hard, because by nature we are all judgmental creatures, but I feel there is so many more positive ways we could be using that energy instead of trying to prove tattoos are a sin!!!
     

My Marriage.... well kinda

     I am not naïve enough to know that many people are reading this to get the gushy details of what went wrong.  After all we all have a little noisy Nelly in us right?  However, this blog is not all about what went wrong or to bash one person.  It is more where I am and what the healing process has taught me.
     Isn't it sad how we like reading, seeing, hearing and even gossiping about certain situations.  And deep down we sometimes even like seeing things or people fail. Now I know that is never something most people would ever admit to.  Not sure if it is, because deep down, we want attention taken off our own struggles,or could be jealousy, or  maybe it is that we just have that sinful nature, or perhaps it is true "misery loves company".  It could be a little combination of all 4 and then  how quick we are to assume and judge a situation.  Admittingly, I know I have been this person in the past and it is quite embarrassing to confess that and truth be told I will probably be that person again, because I am an imperfect person.  However, I hope I have matured and grown enough to this, that this character flaw in myself comes much more few and far between.
    Many times I have people ask, "Amber why are you not dating yet, it has been right at a year now and the other person has moved on, so why not you"?  Well I can not give a concrete answer to that, but here is what I have learned about myself in the past year. 
     Since I was 17 years old I have always have always been in a serious relationship.  I have always felt like I "needed" someone.  Part of me knows I was trying to fill a void, that honestly no relationship could fill.  Then I got so used to having someone, I could not imagine a life without a companion.  I also began to loose a little of who I am.   I begin being the person that I thought I should be for others to be happy with me.  I lost so much of my individuality and a sense of Amber.  My interests started to become the same as the person I was with.  The Amber I once was, became lost and it has taken 16 years to find that person again.
    This past year has taught me so much and it is continuing to teach me.  I am not going to sit here and say I was not hurt, because I was, devastatingly so, but this year has been a great time of healing and for me a time of  redemption.  I thought I was with my forever.  When I first started that relationship, I was broken and no where ready to be in  another serious relationship.  I was a hot mess.  I had my struggles from the past relationships, hurts from childhood and even the distrust caused by an "father figure in my life".  I let all of those things control me and fill me up with fear and I trusted no one.  I was not ready to come to terms with those things and in doing so I pushed away the person who was patient with me and loved me despite these things.  Then once I started coming to terms with these issues, essentially it was too late. 
     When I first found myself alone a year ago, the insecure side of me came out and my nature was to just want to get revenge back.  To hurt the way I was hurt, but I knew that would get me no where, but make me feel bad about doing it and to just make the situation worse.  I am not going to make this year sound like it has been all peachy and pretty, because it has not.  I have had to come face to face and head to head with all the ugly qualities I possess and lack. When you are alone and you start realizing all these "ugly things" it is somewhat depressing.  So I made the decision I wanted to take this time to grow and to find Amber again. 
     I think many parts of her is coming back to surface and it makes me happy.  I am not longer living to please anyone, except I am trying to live a more humbling life that honors my God.  I have also realized the whole concept of "needing" someone is way overrated.  I have been through ice storms, snow storms, death of a family pet, death of a loved one, vacations, closing on a new house, new car(well new for me), a mission trip, holidays, birthdays, and so much more and guess what I am doing it alone.  And even though the trials can be frustrating, it is so rewarding knowing I can do this, I am independent and I am making it.  And the best part is I am happy.  I have learned to find happiness in things I never knew I could, not to mention, I have the 4 best things that make life worth living.  I am also choosing to find the good in people and situations verses always seeing the negative and bad.  And I have an awesome mom and friends who have been great at supporting me though this transition. 
    So to point a finger and say my marriage is over, because of this person or this one thing would be so unfair.  The truth is we rushed into things, without allowing healing to take place within both of us, and with no healing, it is set up for failure.  I wish I could change things, but that is not the case, so now I find the positive in it.  I am grateful for this past year and what it has taught me and I have learned a lot.  But, I think the cool thing is I am still learning and still growing as a person, mom, and a child of God, and the minute I think I am done growing is the time I need to reflect again, because we never stop learning and growing.  I am at the point now where I no longer have to "settle", for the  fear of being alone, or settling for something I think would make other people happy.  I can be picky, I can set my standards high and if no one ever fits that, then that is ok, because for once in a very long time, I am happy with who I am and who I am in God.  And that person is a woman who loves her God, and so thankful that He loves me in return, even being the imperfect flawed person I am.  And a person who loves her children more than I ever thought would be possible, and am so grateful that even amongst my mistakes, they love me too.  I know the road ahead will not always be easy and I will continue to have struggles, but who does not?  I just open the openness and the rawness and the truth can continue to help me learn more about myself!!



Love,
Amber (The real Amber)!!!

One of those days... Actually weeks!!

   If you happened to be at the 10 am Summit service , perhaps you heard me walk in. After dropping the boys off, Kyndall and I walked into the service. The lights were off and music was playing. I generally sit up front so I walked up front. I saw some open seats in the second row, so we walked up front and around to get to them. Here was the problem.... Since the lights were off I did not see the bottom of the black stage. So yes I ran into it and fell into the lap of the gentleman In the front row sitting with his wife. Um yeah I was slightly embarrassed, but Kyndall and I just grabbed our seats and giggled a little. However, this fits perfectly to how my week as gone, but only now it is more of a laughing matter!
     This week has definitely seen it's fair share of challenges .... From unexpected bills, to clogged toilets , a health scare, frustration over someone backing out on helping one of my students, to even seeking understanding and clarity on something dealing with one of my kids. Now I am not listing these to get a pity party, I did that on my own which has brought me right to the point of this blog.
   In one day: I woke up sick to my stomach (I think due to my nerves), I found out my car was going to cost $1400 dollars and I really did not have a choice but to fix it then. Then at work I grew more frustrated that  someone who had agreed to pay for two tests for a student backed out, because he decided to help another cause . It ended with an overflowed toilet... And if you know me at all you know bodily functions and me just do not go hand in hand. Water was going everywhere and it was nasty water and I was gagging in the process and I even turned the water off. All I could imagine was it starting to leak downstairs and even start getting under the carpet upstairs. This was all the eve of the day I would find out test results of a lump found on me. So to say I was stressed would be an understatement.
   I am not going to lie, I feel like I have it together most days, but that was not one of those days. I was fighting anger and tears and even questioning God. Saying things like why, I thought I was doing more to serve you and to obey you. It was then that I felt the only thing to do and get through it was to pray. And then God opened my eyes.
  See I was not trusting fully on God to get me through these things. I was not allowing myself the peace I should have knowing that "God's already got all this under control". I know that when I put my trust in God I should not have to question things, because no matter what trials come, they will work out how God intends them to, even if at first it may not seem that way.
     Then I started to see things in a new light. I got to feeling better with a little pepto and ginger ale, I did not have to miss work and even still got my workout in. My car was fixed and my gas mileage has gotten better and what was wrong could have caused a bad wreck and it did not. Myself and my kids were not injured in a wreck due to a malfunction in my car. Also an opportunity also opened for a little extra income to help build my savings back up. Although one guy backed out of paying for 2 tests, someone else volunteered and paid for two. I ended up calling for reinforcement for my toilet and after 2 hours of fighting with a plunger and lots of bleach and Clorox. My toilet is working and the bathroom is spotless and no water leaked downstairs or into the carpet and the text results came from my lump came back Benin. So although I had a crummy week, yet again God provided for me even when I did not fully trust Him.

Always embarrassing myself,
Amber 😀