I am not naïve enough to know that many people are reading this to get the gushy details of what went wrong. After all we all have a little noisy Nelly in us right? However, this blog is not all about what went wrong or to bash one person. It is more where I am and what the healing process has taught me.
Isn't it sad how we like reading, seeing, hearing and even gossiping about certain situations. And deep down we sometimes even like seeing things or people fail. Now I know that is never something most people would ever admit to. Not sure if it is, because deep down, we want attention taken off our own struggles,or could be jealousy, or maybe it is that we just have that sinful nature, or perhaps it is true "misery loves company". It could be a little combination of all 4 and then how quick we are to assume and judge a situation. Admittingly, I know I have been this person in the past and it is quite embarrassing to confess that and truth be told I will probably be that person again, because I am an imperfect person. However, I hope I have matured and grown enough to this, that this character flaw in myself comes much more few and far between.
Many times I have people ask, "Amber why are you not dating yet, it has been right at a year now and the other person has moved on, so why not you"? Well I can not give a concrete answer to that, but here is what I have learned about myself in the past year.
Since I was 17 years old I have always have always been in a serious relationship. I have always felt like I "needed" someone. Part of me knows I was trying to fill a void, that honestly no relationship could fill. Then I got so used to having someone, I could not imagine a life without a companion. I also began to loose a little of who I am. I begin being the person that I thought I should be for others to be happy with me. I lost so much of my individuality and a sense of Amber. My interests started to become the same as the person I was with. The Amber I once was, became lost and it has taken 16 years to find that person again.
This past year has taught me so much and it is continuing to teach me. I am not going to sit here and say I was not hurt, because I was, devastatingly so, but this year has been a great time of healing and for me a time of redemption. I thought I was with my forever. When I first started that relationship, I was broken and no where ready to be in another serious relationship. I was a hot mess. I had my struggles from the past relationships, hurts from childhood and even the distrust caused by an "father figure in my life". I let all of those things control me and fill me up with fear and I trusted no one. I was not ready to come to terms with those things and in doing so I pushed away the person who was patient with me and loved me despite these things. Then once I started coming to terms with these issues, essentially it was too late.
When I first found myself alone a year ago, the insecure side of me came out and my nature was to just want to get revenge back. To hurt the way I was hurt, but I knew that would get me no where, but make me feel bad about doing it and to just make the situation worse. I am not going to make this year sound like it has been all peachy and pretty, because it has not. I have had to come face to face and head to head with all the ugly qualities I possess and lack. When you are alone and you start realizing all these "ugly things" it is somewhat depressing. So I made the decision I wanted to take this time to grow and to find Amber again.
I think many parts of her is coming back to surface and it makes me happy. I am not longer living to please anyone, except I am trying to live a more humbling life that honors my God. I have also realized the whole concept of "needing" someone is way overrated. I have been through ice storms, snow storms, death of a family pet, death of a loved one, vacations, closing on a new house, new car(well new for me), a mission trip, holidays, birthdays, and so much more and guess what I am doing it alone. And even though the trials can be frustrating, it is so rewarding knowing I can do this, I am independent and I am making it. And the best part is I am happy. I have learned to find happiness in things I never knew I could, not to mention, I have the 4 best things that make life worth living. I am also choosing to find the good in people and situations verses always seeing the negative and bad. And I have an awesome mom and friends who have been great at supporting me though this transition.
So to point a finger and say my marriage is over, because of this person or this one thing would be so unfair. The truth is we rushed into things, without allowing healing to take place within both of us, and with no healing, it is set up for failure. I wish I could change things, but that is not the case, so now I find the positive in it. I am grateful for this past year and what it has taught me and I have learned a lot. But, I think the cool thing is I am still learning and still growing as a person, mom, and a child of God, and the minute I think I am done growing is the time I need to reflect again, because we never stop learning and growing. I am at the point now where I no longer have to "settle", for the fear of being alone, or settling for something I think would make other people happy. I can be picky, I can set my standards high and if no one ever fits that, then that is ok, because for once in a very long time, I am happy with who I am and who I am in God. And that person is a woman who loves her God, and so thankful that He loves me in return, even being the imperfect flawed person I am. And a person who loves her children more than I ever thought would be possible, and am so grateful that even amongst my mistakes, they love me too. I know the road ahead will not always be easy and I will continue to have struggles, but who does not? I just open the openness and the rawness and the truth can continue to help me learn more about myself!!
Love,
Amber (The real Amber)!!!
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