13 months later..... My marriage is still my first choice

13 months later... And my marriage is still my first choice .....

      I've shared that I have begun testing the waters in the dating world.  The newness is exciting and the "problem free" aspect is nice. Meaning you don't have all the issues that come with your marriage. It seems great, but I would not be honest if I did not say , my firsts choice is still for my marriage to work out.
       It is not my first choice, because I had the perfect husband or marriage, but because I made a commitment and I want to honor that. I want my family in tact. I made a vow and I don't want to break it. It has taken me so long to understand what and how sacred this vow is.
      Truth be told , we did not even come close to having a great marriage and at the beginning I tried all I could go push him away. I threw out the D word , and I closed my self out. I was making the choice to "not love". I wanted to put all the blame on him and continue to point the figure at him. However, now I see love is not easy, you have to chose to love that person.
       I know many people say , how and why would you want to take your husband back. But I think the same thing could be asked of him. I heard today in church this phrase, "I love you but.... I can't do this anymore". This phrase is so familiar to me and I am not going to lie and pretend it doesn't hurt, because I want to be worth it to him, worth the fight. And where he changed the but to so... I will fight. Because that is the mindset I have now... I love you so I am going to make the choice to keep fighting.  This fight maybe one sided now, but I want to know I 100% gave it my all, and that my kids see my marriage was worth fighting for.
     I don't think I really know what it is like to be "one " with some, but in my time of hopelessness, I see hopelessness can bring change. Hope is a lousy strategy for a good marriage.... Relationship ... Hard work is ... You need a "no matter "what kinda of love . Not giving up no matter what. I know and understand I can not change anyone , but I can continue to work and change me.  We are not "divorced" yet and until then , I am still praying !

Hopelessly fighting ,

Amber