Me Selfish----Whatever---Or Maybe

Me selfish ---- Whatever 

     I have started fasting over a couple things lately and it has challenged me greatly to look deep within myself and honestly I feel convicted in many areas. Yesterday I shared I am somewhat convicted about trying to live me humbly. Well I feel God has also challenged me to look at my selfish ways. 

     I think I actually became over confident in this area. I mean I might be a lot of things , but selfish .... No way... Not me... Not even close. But God has open my eyes a little on this and I have seen I am perhaps a little selfish. 

     Am I doing things to please me more or God? I think in a lot of ways I carry on my life to please myself and then fit God into that.  However, I also think there is a very specific area I believe I am putting my needs aside and actively pursing God's will. This is hard for me, because I have gone back and forth on if this is really my "selfish want" or what I feel God wants. I have prayed so much over this issue and journaled throughout and the outcome has remained constant. Although I have realized yes I am a very selfish person, God's plan for you can also be a desire of yours. So no I do not think it is selfish of you keeping pressing through and pushing through and fighting for something you want, if you have taken it to God's word and prayer. In fact I think many times it is much easier to give up, because I fully believe sometimes to get the outcome God desires for you, you might have to go out of your comfort zone. Going out of your comfort zone is not selfish, in fact, it is a time to draw closer to Him. It very well can be challenging and hard and most likely will! Anything in my life that has ultimately been good and rewarding has not been easy. God has used the time before to push me and I am choosing now to press through, because for once I am trusting in His words and His promises He had given me. I am also going to trust what I know God has told me and laid on my heart!

Selfishly and unselfishly yours, 

Amber

My Not So Simple Life

   I love to take the kids on vacations.  Most of the time, we just go on short weekend or day trips.  We love to visit, do and see new things.  In fact, our new thing is to try and visit a new ball park every year.  One weekend we went to Charlotte for the weekend.  They had an indoor pool at the hotel and the kids loved it.  We really did not do that much that weekend, but we had a really good time.  In fact, if you ask Kyndall or Andon it is one of their favorite trips to date.  We had a really nice, but small room.  It had a living space, small kitchen and a bedroom and one bath.  We also had a very similar experience when we visited Atlanta.  We did do a little more, like the Braves game, Coca Cola museum, and aquarium, but it was still very short and our hotel was very similar.  Every-time we go one these type trips we love spending the quality family time together.  It never feels "small".  In fact, it feels just the opposite, it feels like we have a lot of room.  Which is quite ironic considering, how all of us sometimes feels cramped in our four bedroom/loft house.
   Now I know we do not have al our toys, furniture, or clothes, and most of our "materialistic" stuff is at home.  And it is never missed!! We pack a handful of toys and just the necessities that we will need.  Today I have really been thinking about these mini vacations and even Nicaragua and I feel somewhat convicted.  When I am home, sometimes I get caught up in wanting way more than I need (more clothes, bigger house, nicer car, more toys for kids, etc..) When you do without this stuff it puts it into perspective and you see how much you really DO NOT need it.  When we do not have all the "extras" we are forced to play with each other and spend that time together, and it is AWESOME!
     It is so easy to get caught up in confusing your wants with your needs.  The simple fact is God has given my family way more than we could ever need.  We have a wonderful house, a decent car, nice clothes, plenty of food, lots and lots of toys, and more gadgets than we know what to do with, yet our whole house is guilty of wanting so much more.  The past year and a half we have had do scale down our wants, since I am a single mom of 4, but yet, this has put the conviction more in my heart.  I am  beginning to hate this selfishness side of me and I actually find it insulting when someone tries to impress me or win me over with money.  I want my kids to learn and realize there is so much more to life than "things".  I want us to focus more on relationships and having a good heart verses earthly possessions and being so worried about stuff that does not build character.  "Not that I speak in regard to need for I have learned in whatever state I am content.  I know how to be abased (live humbly) and live in prosperity, everywhere in all things I have learned to be both full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:11-13 

Trying to live more humble,
Amber

Roller Coaster.... Not sure how to feel about the ride

                 The end of this past summer, the two older kids and myself went to Carowinds, for my birthday.  We had an awesome time!!  I used to be fearless when it came to rides and I would ride anything.  However, I have to admit, by the 4th upside ride we rode, I felt a little nauseous.  I actually got a little sad, that I just could not hang like I used to.  Not sure if it is because I am getting older or having kids or what, but man I think my face actually turned a little green and I did have to hang my head low and sit out a ride!!  Rolle coasters are fun, but they are a mix of emotions, fear, excitement, joy, suspense, worry and so many more.  Well I feel I am on a rollercoaster now in life, and honestly not quite sure how to take it.
                I love a little fear and the anticipation of a rollercoaster, it keeps you on your toes and awakens a part of your heart that stirs up excitement.  But right before I get on, I always want to back out.  The what ifs start popping in my head and I start to worry.  What if... it breaks down...what if....my seat belt is not tight enough..... what if it falls off the track... Yes my mind goes crazy in those final moments. 
               Life is fun, life is challenging, it is filled with highs and lows and ups and downs.  It is a rollercoaster.  The challenging part about life and a rolle coaster is deciding who to ride the ride with.  Since December, I have had so many of these highs and lows.  My grandmother who I am extremely close to,  had to move into Pennyburn.  It is an extremely nice nursing home and I know it is the best of the best, but when I visit and see her confusion in who I am, it is devastating and I am having a hard time dealing with it.  I also have lost my best friend, who was my dog for 17 years.  I loved that little girl.  She loved me unconditionally, lasted longer than any relationship and was just there for me when I needed her.  I also had a big scare concerning my mom, this past Friday.  I know this is "life", and I always try to maintain a positive attitude, but I think when you tend to be a "happy" person, people don't allow you to have "down" moments.
              I have done a lot of praying and fasting these past couple months and have relentlessly been hoping for a breakthrough.  I want God to open my eyes so big and wide, so I am fully living out his will! I am not a patient person, and I do feel God has revealed so many things to me, which is an awesome feeling, but again it is like the rollercoaster.  Even when I feel I am fully trying to live for Him, the human nature side comes out, and I allow confusion, doubt, fear and so many more emotions come into play.  I am quite positive, God is growing my character more now than ever, but please pray with me, that I can continue to grow and be the woman He has called me to be and that I can start handling situations without feeling like I am on a rollercoaster.

Diligently praying,

Amber :)

Out with the old ... In with the new

.         Out with the old... In with the new.....   Yes these words are such a cliche, but no truer words could be spoken for me at the point I am in my life. 2014 was a year of growth, healing, self discovery and finding a balance to my life. There were tears shed, laughs laughed, and even pats on the back for completing many accomplishments. It is also a year that wrote a final chapter to a book.  So now that book is completed and it is time to begin the new one!
           I am very excited about this book and the chapters that will be written. I can guarantee there will still be tears and laughter, but this book is starting with the main character being so happy with where she is in life, where last years book began with her having a broken heart. I hope there will be chapters filled with my passion for the mission field, my kiddies, new adventures and maybe even a little dating !!   And I can guarantee there will be many embarrassing stories, because after all this is me we are talking about!!
         This year I hope my faith continues to grow and I become more of a person ; who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. But remembering that even at my best I will still have detours, get off the path and stumble.  Overall, I hope  I grow deeper in the word and in my relationship with My Saviour.
           Thank you 2014 for the many life lessons the good and bad. Thank you for helping me find "balance" in life again. The adventures have been amazing and the friendships that have been made,  grown, nurtured and developed are incredible!!!however, it is time to close this book and move on!  So here is to 2015 and here's to the the book and chapters!!

Cheers,

Amber

13 months later..... My marriage is still my first choice

13 months later... And my marriage is still my first choice .....

      I've shared that I have begun testing the waters in the dating world.  The newness is exciting and the "problem free" aspect is nice. Meaning you don't have all the issues that come with your marriage. It seems great, but I would not be honest if I did not say , my firsts choice is still for my marriage to work out.
       It is not my first choice, because I had the perfect husband or marriage, but because I made a commitment and I want to honor that. I want my family in tact. I made a vow and I don't want to break it. It has taken me so long to understand what and how sacred this vow is.
      Truth be told , we did not even come close to having a great marriage and at the beginning I tried all I could go push him away. I threw out the D word , and I closed my self out. I was making the choice to "not love". I wanted to put all the blame on him and continue to point the figure at him. However, now I see love is not easy, you have to chose to love that person.
       I know many people say , how and why would you want to take your husband back. But I think the same thing could be asked of him. I heard today in church this phrase, "I love you but.... I can't do this anymore". This phrase is so familiar to me and I am not going to lie and pretend it doesn't hurt, because I want to be worth it to him, worth the fight. And where he changed the but to so... I will fight. Because that is the mindset I have now... I love you so I am going to make the choice to keep fighting.  This fight maybe one sided now, but I want to know I 100% gave it my all, and that my kids see my marriage was worth fighting for.
     I don't think I really know what it is like to be "one " with some, but in my time of hopelessness, I see hopelessness can bring change. Hope is a lousy strategy for a good marriage.... Relationship ... Hard work is ... You need a "no matter "what kinda of love . Not giving up no matter what. I know and understand I can not change anyone , but I can continue to work and change me.  We are not "divorced" yet and until then , I am still praying !

Hopelessly fighting ,

Amber

Ding Ding..... Round 1

                A couple of weeks ago, we had a slight incident with our toaster oven.  It had a little malfunction, that resulted in a small fire.  Now, I do know enough from being married to a fireman, to keep it contained and I did.  It stayed contained and never got out of the toaster oven, but out of precaution, I called 911.  Ironically, I was wearing a HPFD sweatshirt, and just put vitamin e on my face, so it was sticky and shiny.  I am sure I was quite a site to see, good thing firemen are no longer really my thing!!!  However, right before this transpired, the kids and I were writing letters to Santa.  I even wrote one, which happened to be laid out. I am quite positive they saw it!!!
            I decided to have fun with my letter.  I wrote that I wanted "my perfect guy" for Christmas!!!  I even listed the characteristics I was looking for.  Now, I know that someone is saying, you seriously can not be that picky, but I am.  I like hats on guys, I like tattoos, I like a guy who is active and enjoys sports, but I love someone who can make me laugh, I love a man who Loves God and a man who loves his children.  The things I used to think was so important are not as important to me know and its the other qualities that stand out to me now.  And these qualities I love were in bold caps in my letter, while the others were just merely written.
             I have not been back to dating long, but since I have, I feel I have been in a boxing match.  It is exhausting and I am ready just to take the KO and not "fight" in anymore rounds.  Now do not get me wrong, I love the talking and meeting new people.  It is fun and exhilarating and makes you feel pretty good, it is the rest that is exhausting.  I have never really been one to date more than one person at a time, but I am learning that this is the norm.  This is a little challenging to me, because it is hard to decide where your limits are when you are dating more than one person.  Can you kiss each one, how well do you allow yourself to get to know them, do you allow yourself to potentially "fall".  I know with me I stay pretty guarded and I even feel myself, become somewhat bitchy too.  I know it is more of a defensive mechanism, but how is even possible to totally open up to someone, when there is more than "one" in the picture.  To me opening up, is more intimidate and takes time and trust.   So I am finding it very hard to really truly get to know someone under these conditions and to allow someone to get to know me.
            Then the thing I try not to think about is this..... I do feel I am constantly in a boxing ring.  Throwing punches and receiving punches.  You constantly have to throw punches to stay in the game and you are constantly receiving them just to keep up and compete with others.  I am a very competitive person, but very selfish when it comes to dating.  I want to be number 1, yet this is such a hypocritical statement, and I am aware of this.  That is why I am about just to take the KO and take another year off!!!!

Finding the balance,
Amber

Standing

    If you had asked me a year and 4 days ago, where I would be in a year, I would have given you a totally different answer then what my reality is.  I would have given you an answer that included my family still being in tact.  However, circumstances change and sometimes whether you want it or not, you life begins to change. 
    A year and 3 days ago, my life drastically changed.  My "forever" left and I had to come head to head with many new choices and decisions.  Honestly, at first I did not have the drive, I was sad, it was near the holidays and all I could think about was how am I going to do this alone?  I have said before I have been in a relationship for almost straight 17 years, yes it included a couple different relationships, but regardless I never took time for myself.  I always had to be with someone and I felt I needed someone.  So when I decided to take the past year off from dating, I knew it was going to be hard and challenging.
    But, here I am a year later and I made it and I am still STANDING.  Not only am I still standing, but I feel I am at a much better place emotionally than I have been in a very long time.  I have found myself again and am no longer defined by who I am with.  I no longer am living in my past mistakes, but am happy with where I am and who I have become.  I now feel proud and accomplished.  I have learned to hang things, now many maybe a little crooked, but they are hung.  All these things that I thought I would never be able to do, I am doing it, perhaps not perfect, but I am learning that I like the imperfections.  My children's Christmas may not be as "big" as they are used to, but they will have to learn not about the "material things" it is about the time and memories made, as I need to learn it is ok for them not to get everything they "want".
     I am so far from the perfect person and the reality is I am still a single mom.  I still have hurts, frustrations, and fears, but now I am choosing to have hope.  Yesterday in church we talked about hope and it hit home.  My hope does not mean, I know my future will be always happy and optimistic, but rather my hopes are tangible.  I know and believe that God is invested in me and I choose to trust in  His plan for me.  I now know I will still face challenges, but the hope gives me the courage to take them on.  I am expecting more obstacles, but I know God is for me, not against me, and these obstacles will continue to grow my character, and continue me into the woman God has called me to be.   My present situation could allow me to be a victim and be disappointed in life.  And even lose the drive, energy and motivation to keep trying.  But Hope shows me that my unknown future is known, because of the cross.  It allows me to keep going, keep my head up and stay positive.

Love,

Amber