BROKEN

      "The single cause of atheism in the world, is people who acknowledge Christ by their mouth and deny him by their lifestyle."   Brennan Manning 

      I have used this quote many times before and it is one of my all time favorite quotes. If you ever read much of Brennan Manning's things, you know he was a man of God but also a very broken man. He had his struggles, strongholds and he was honest about these. We are human and we will never be perfect no matter how hard we try or no matter how much we try to make others believe we are. 
      For a long time I myself lived in a state of hiding behind a smile and pretty face. I thought just professing I was a christian I was helping bring SO many to God. however, I now have learned I did more harm than good, because I was that quote. I spoke I loved Jesus but I did not live my life accordingly. I hid my pains and my struggles. So here I am now, let me introduce myself, "Hi, my name is Amber and I have been /and still am broken, I have been hurt and I have hurt, I think, say, listen , and watch things that may not be the best choice, but I am human and I am TRYING to be a good person and my heart has changed. 
     I was hurt in my childhood years, then in my teen years a situation left me feeling powerless. I let these situations define me and take over. I allowed the pain and hurt to become my excuse, I allowed it to make me a victim. Let me clear this I had a great mom and loving family but that does not negate the fact I was hurt and I let it take power over me. I let this hurt tell me everyday I am worthless and unlovable. I looked for love all over and when I started to feel it some I pushed it away, because I did not want to be "hurt " by it. This "lie" even hurt my walk with God. I would not accept the love he was yearning to give me, therefore I could not be the woman God wanted me to be. This is still a struggle and it will always be, but I have learned to love myself and be confident in who I am and who I am in God. Most importantly I am allowing myself to embrace God's love. 
      I feel we now live in a broken world. So many people have been broken. And if you have not count your blessings! For me personally, I feel sometimes it is easier for me to relate to people who have been in similar situations. I hope I can be a light to anyone who has struggles and maybe they can relate just a little to me. 
     I have always loved helping but the desire has grown stronger and I do feel God is going to use where I have been and my past brokenness to help others, especially in the mission field.  So yes I am a Christian and I love Jesus wholeheartly , but my struggles are still here and I still hurt and I still am not perfect and will continue to make mistakes and screw up, but I have this relationship now with our Heavenly Father and I know that even though all of that will happen , I am LOVED by him and has much as a cliche as this sounds, having that love helps fight them head on instead of playing victim!