Out with the old ... In with the new

.         Out with the old... In with the new.....   Yes these words are such a cliche, but no truer words could be spoken for me at the point I am in my life. 2014 was a year of growth, healing, self discovery and finding a balance to my life. There were tears shed, laughs laughed, and even pats on the back for completing many accomplishments. It is also a year that wrote a final chapter to a book.  So now that book is completed and it is time to begin the new one!
           I am very excited about this book and the chapters that will be written. I can guarantee there will still be tears and laughter, but this book is starting with the main character being so happy with where she is in life, where last years book began with her having a broken heart. I hope there will be chapters filled with my passion for the mission field, my kiddies, new adventures and maybe even a little dating !!   And I can guarantee there will be many embarrassing stories, because after all this is me we are talking about!!
         This year I hope my faith continues to grow and I become more of a person ; who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. But remembering that even at my best I will still have detours, get off the path and stumble.  Overall, I hope  I grow deeper in the word and in my relationship with My Saviour.
           Thank you 2014 for the many life lessons the good and bad. Thank you for helping me find "balance" in life again. The adventures have been amazing and the friendships that have been made,  grown, nurtured and developed are incredible!!!however, it is time to close this book and move on!  So here is to 2015 and here's to the the book and chapters!!

Cheers,

Amber

13 months later..... My marriage is still my first choice

13 months later... And my marriage is still my first choice .....

      I've shared that I have begun testing the waters in the dating world.  The newness is exciting and the "problem free" aspect is nice. Meaning you don't have all the issues that come with your marriage. It seems great, but I would not be honest if I did not say , my firsts choice is still for my marriage to work out.
       It is not my first choice, because I had the perfect husband or marriage, but because I made a commitment and I want to honor that. I want my family in tact. I made a vow and I don't want to break it. It has taken me so long to understand what and how sacred this vow is.
      Truth be told , we did not even come close to having a great marriage and at the beginning I tried all I could go push him away. I threw out the D word , and I closed my self out. I was making the choice to "not love". I wanted to put all the blame on him and continue to point the figure at him. However, now I see love is not easy, you have to chose to love that person.
       I know many people say , how and why would you want to take your husband back. But I think the same thing could be asked of him. I heard today in church this phrase, "I love you but.... I can't do this anymore". This phrase is so familiar to me and I am not going to lie and pretend it doesn't hurt, because I want to be worth it to him, worth the fight. And where he changed the but to so... I will fight. Because that is the mindset I have now... I love you so I am going to make the choice to keep fighting.  This fight maybe one sided now, but I want to know I 100% gave it my all, and that my kids see my marriage was worth fighting for.
     I don't think I really know what it is like to be "one " with some, but in my time of hopelessness, I see hopelessness can bring change. Hope is a lousy strategy for a good marriage.... Relationship ... Hard work is ... You need a "no matter "what kinda of love . Not giving up no matter what. I know and understand I can not change anyone , but I can continue to work and change me.  We are not "divorced" yet and until then , I am still praying !

Hopelessly fighting ,

Amber

Ding Ding..... Round 1

                A couple of weeks ago, we had a slight incident with our toaster oven.  It had a little malfunction, that resulted in a small fire.  Now, I do know enough from being married to a fireman, to keep it contained and I did.  It stayed contained and never got out of the toaster oven, but out of precaution, I called 911.  Ironically, I was wearing a HPFD sweatshirt, and just put vitamin e on my face, so it was sticky and shiny.  I am sure I was quite a site to see, good thing firemen are no longer really my thing!!!  However, right before this transpired, the kids and I were writing letters to Santa.  I even wrote one, which happened to be laid out. I am quite positive they saw it!!!
            I decided to have fun with my letter.  I wrote that I wanted "my perfect guy" for Christmas!!!  I even listed the characteristics I was looking for.  Now, I know that someone is saying, you seriously can not be that picky, but I am.  I like hats on guys, I like tattoos, I like a guy who is active and enjoys sports, but I love someone who can make me laugh, I love a man who Loves God and a man who loves his children.  The things I used to think was so important are not as important to me know and its the other qualities that stand out to me now.  And these qualities I love were in bold caps in my letter, while the others were just merely written.
             I have not been back to dating long, but since I have, I feel I have been in a boxing match.  It is exhausting and I am ready just to take the KO and not "fight" in anymore rounds.  Now do not get me wrong, I love the talking and meeting new people.  It is fun and exhilarating and makes you feel pretty good, it is the rest that is exhausting.  I have never really been one to date more than one person at a time, but I am learning that this is the norm.  This is a little challenging to me, because it is hard to decide where your limits are when you are dating more than one person.  Can you kiss each one, how well do you allow yourself to get to know them, do you allow yourself to potentially "fall".  I know with me I stay pretty guarded and I even feel myself, become somewhat bitchy too.  I know it is more of a defensive mechanism, but how is even possible to totally open up to someone, when there is more than "one" in the picture.  To me opening up, is more intimidate and takes time and trust.   So I am finding it very hard to really truly get to know someone under these conditions and to allow someone to get to know me.
            Then the thing I try not to think about is this..... I do feel I am constantly in a boxing ring.  Throwing punches and receiving punches.  You constantly have to throw punches to stay in the game and you are constantly receiving them just to keep up and compete with others.  I am a very competitive person, but very selfish when it comes to dating.  I want to be number 1, yet this is such a hypocritical statement, and I am aware of this.  That is why I am about just to take the KO and take another year off!!!!

Finding the balance,
Amber

Standing

    If you had asked me a year and 4 days ago, where I would be in a year, I would have given you a totally different answer then what my reality is.  I would have given you an answer that included my family still being in tact.  However, circumstances change and sometimes whether you want it or not, you life begins to change. 
    A year and 3 days ago, my life drastically changed.  My "forever" left and I had to come head to head with many new choices and decisions.  Honestly, at first I did not have the drive, I was sad, it was near the holidays and all I could think about was how am I going to do this alone?  I have said before I have been in a relationship for almost straight 17 years, yes it included a couple different relationships, but regardless I never took time for myself.  I always had to be with someone and I felt I needed someone.  So when I decided to take the past year off from dating, I knew it was going to be hard and challenging.
    But, here I am a year later and I made it and I am still STANDING.  Not only am I still standing, but I feel I am at a much better place emotionally than I have been in a very long time.  I have found myself again and am no longer defined by who I am with.  I no longer am living in my past mistakes, but am happy with where I am and who I have become.  I now feel proud and accomplished.  I have learned to hang things, now many maybe a little crooked, but they are hung.  All these things that I thought I would never be able to do, I am doing it, perhaps not perfect, but I am learning that I like the imperfections.  My children's Christmas may not be as "big" as they are used to, but they will have to learn not about the "material things" it is about the time and memories made, as I need to learn it is ok for them not to get everything they "want".
     I am so far from the perfect person and the reality is I am still a single mom.  I still have hurts, frustrations, and fears, but now I am choosing to have hope.  Yesterday in church we talked about hope and it hit home.  My hope does not mean, I know my future will be always happy and optimistic, but rather my hopes are tangible.  I know and believe that God is invested in me and I choose to trust in  His plan for me.  I now know I will still face challenges, but the hope gives me the courage to take them on.  I am expecting more obstacles, but I know God is for me, not against me, and these obstacles will continue to grow my character, and continue me into the woman God has called me to be.   My present situation could allow me to be a victim and be disappointed in life.  And even lose the drive, energy and motivation to keep trying.  But Hope shows me that my unknown future is known, because of the cross.  It allows me to keep going, keep my head up and stay positive.

Love,

Amber
  

I need you ... The last chapter to my not so love story

     Last night I worked a wedding. There was an older couple there who was just absolutely precious! They danced together, took pictures together and held hands. I joked and said they must be newlyweds, because it seems so uncommon to see a lasting love like that anymore. Honestly, I was quite envious. And for a split second I became a little sad, but the joy that radiated from both of them made it hard to keep a smile from my face. True love is beautiful and seeing this Is simple reminder that love can endure and can win in the end.
     My year is a couple weeks away now and it is bitter sweet. Adam and I are still good friends and he gave me 2 of the most precious gifts, but through this year I have seen that we did not have that "love", I do love him and always will, but it is not a passionate heart stopping love. This week I have been ready to fully close that book and begin writing a new one. I am not quite sure what the chapters will look like, and honestly the book my not be a love story and that is ok.. But my hopes is it has a happy ending filled with a lot of humor and learning experiences.
     Today at church we had communion and I took all this to prayer, and just prayed Gid will continue to make this transition smooth for all involved. When I got in the car I heard the most appropriate two songs. One talked about being set free and how true this is. I have finally been set free of the strongholds that have kept me captive for so long. The second song us called "Running In Circles". Here is some of the lyrics..

    I'm so forgetful, but you always remind me
You're the only one who brings me peace
You're the only one who brings me peace

So I come, Lord I come, I come, Lord I come
To tell you i love you
To tell you i need you
To tell you theres no better place for me than in your arms
To tell you im sorry for running in circles
For placing my focus on the ways and not your face
You're the only one who brings me peace
You're the only one who brings me peace. 

In this new book I need to remember the only thing I need is God and how amazing His Grace and Love is. It is the absolute purest form of love. A love that should fill you up so much that, that is the only love you need and crave. The other loves are "earthly bonuses". I am Eternally thankful He sends these reminders to me, even-in the form of music!

Chapter 1, 

Amber

  I was able to spend the day with Kyndall and it was awesome.  With four kiddies, it is not everyday, they each get one on one time with me.  I love being with her.  She is my saving grace from being around boys all the time.  We can giggle together, shop, get our nails done and even play softball together.  However, as I walked around with her today, there were moments I just wanted to freeze.  She laughed, hugged me, held my hand and I even got a little teary eyed wondering if she would soon outgrow this.  I am selfish when it comes to my kids and I want them to stay my babies, but I know this is not the case.
  I am not blind and I see how she is growing up.  I see the absolute pure beauty in her.  She has this potential to have an amazing future, because as beautiful as I think she is, her heart is huge and I pray she uses it for so much good.  But, I also know she is getting ready to enter, the teenage years.  I fear so much and pray so hard that she handles it well, but watching her today the fears resurfaced. 
  I was never a wild child, but I know times are different even from when I was growing up.  I tend to be pretty laid back, but I am also a bit old fashioned.  I still believe the boy should do the asking out and even call first.  I know this is not the norm, but I want her to see this is what she deserves.  I do not ever want her to feel she needs to throw herself at a boy, talk ugly or present herself in a way that is not her just for attention. 
   My biggest fear in life is that my kids will repeat my mistakes or live in them.  So I hope I can raise an independent daughter, who keeps her morals and values in tact.  On the flip side she does have about 100 brothers who will be watching her and keeping her in check!!  But please pray that Kyndall and I get through these next very important years with grace, patience, understanding and love!!


A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart. 


A mother's treasure is her daughter.  ~Catherine Pulsifer,


A daughter is a mother's gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension


And mothers are their daughters' role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships.  ~Victoria Secunda


A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer.  ~Author Unknown
“Do not forget to tell your daughters God made them beautiful.”
― Habeeb Akande

“The daughter prays; the mother listens.”
― Amanda Downum, The Drowning City

Kyndall's mommy,


Amber

Inked and a Christian---Is that even possible??

      When I was younger I had no desire what so ever to get a tattoo.  I probably even stereotyped the people who had them. Boy has my opinion changed.  I love them and I appreciate the art behind them and the story that many of them tell.  However, I have been challenged by many people that it is a sin to get a tattoo and that it goes against what God wants.  After hearing this so much, I decided to study this and get my own outcome from this topic.  I studied scripture, listened to podcasts and asked opinions of many; Christians with and without tattoos.  This is the conclusion I came to.
        One of the first things you hear people who are against tattoos say is Leviticus 19:28.  In case you are not familiar with this verse, here it is: "Do not cut your bodies or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord".  Of course at first glance it does very clearly state you should not get tattoos, but when you dig down into this verse it is not exactly how it appears.  First of all, this is from the Old Testament, and this is the Laws from way back .  Now, personally, I believe to live more accordingly to the New Testament, but you also need to realize that God was talking to the people of Israel and giving them laws.  These were laws of the times and if you read more of Leviticus, you would also see many of the laws are outdated and you would not apply those laws to your life today.  For example, it also says not to eat flesh with blood, therefore, any eating meat would not be right or it says do not eat any fruits or vegetables that have not been cultivated it is forbidden and you can not eat it for 3 years.  Also, in verse 19, if you applied this literally, then ear piercing would be a sin as well.  But, we need to realize when God was telling the people of Israel this, their neighbors were doing a lot of pagan worship.  They would cut and mark their bodies to worship the dead  and other gods.  God did not want the people of Israel to be associated with this or to make people think they worshipped these other things, so God set that law in place.  So when you look at Leviticus, I personally feel it becomes a wisdom issue verses sin issue.  You have to learn how to take it in the right context.  If we get a tattoo now, it does not mean we are worshipping other gods or the dead and people no longer associate tattoos with that. 
          I also have people throw 1 Corinthians 19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own".  I agree here that our body is a temple, however, in the verse, He is actually talking about sexual immorality and how when you have sex outside of marriage, you are marking your body up internally, almost like you are put graffiti on the inside of your body.  So this is a more of an internal issue verses external and again you need to look at the verse in the right context. And if you truly want to treat it as a temple, then you need to take good care of it and watch what harmful things you put in your body or things you subject your body to that could have negative effects. 
         Once verse that seems to stand out to me is  1 Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.  The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart".  This is when Samuel was going to chose the next king and Saul would be who many thought would be the one picked, because he was tall and handsome, but God warned on judging by appearance alone.  When you look at appearance alone, you may overlook a quality someone has or lacks.  Appearance does not reveal what people are really like or what their true value is. 
         We also see in Revelation 19 reference to Jesus's thigh saying "it is written on him", so we could stretch this even to say a little, and say this is like a tattoo.  So no I do not think tattoos are a sin.  I think they are a way to express yourself and to tell a story.  For me personally, mine tell a story and as of right now, they do relate to God and they  begin to tell my journey and walk with God, but this does not mean all mine will.  I think we should not worry about things so trivial as tattoos in the grand scheme of things and it definitely is not our place to walk around condemning and judging others.  I know this is hard, because by nature we are all judgmental creatures, but I feel there is so many more positive ways we could be using that energy instead of trying to prove tattoos are a sin!!!
     

My Marriage.... well kinda

     I am not naïve enough to know that many people are reading this to get the gushy details of what went wrong.  After all we all have a little noisy Nelly in us right?  However, this blog is not all about what went wrong or to bash one person.  It is more where I am and what the healing process has taught me.
     Isn't it sad how we like reading, seeing, hearing and even gossiping about certain situations.  And deep down we sometimes even like seeing things or people fail. Now I know that is never something most people would ever admit to.  Not sure if it is, because deep down, we want attention taken off our own struggles,or could be jealousy, or  maybe it is that we just have that sinful nature, or perhaps it is true "misery loves company".  It could be a little combination of all 4 and then  how quick we are to assume and judge a situation.  Admittingly, I know I have been this person in the past and it is quite embarrassing to confess that and truth be told I will probably be that person again, because I am an imperfect person.  However, I hope I have matured and grown enough to this, that this character flaw in myself comes much more few and far between.
    Many times I have people ask, "Amber why are you not dating yet, it has been right at a year now and the other person has moved on, so why not you"?  Well I can not give a concrete answer to that, but here is what I have learned about myself in the past year. 
     Since I was 17 years old I have always have always been in a serious relationship.  I have always felt like I "needed" someone.  Part of me knows I was trying to fill a void, that honestly no relationship could fill.  Then I got so used to having someone, I could not imagine a life without a companion.  I also began to loose a little of who I am.   I begin being the person that I thought I should be for others to be happy with me.  I lost so much of my individuality and a sense of Amber.  My interests started to become the same as the person I was with.  The Amber I once was, became lost and it has taken 16 years to find that person again.
    This past year has taught me so much and it is continuing to teach me.  I am not going to sit here and say I was not hurt, because I was, devastatingly so, but this year has been a great time of healing and for me a time of  redemption.  I thought I was with my forever.  When I first started that relationship, I was broken and no where ready to be in  another serious relationship.  I was a hot mess.  I had my struggles from the past relationships, hurts from childhood and even the distrust caused by an "father figure in my life".  I let all of those things control me and fill me up with fear and I trusted no one.  I was not ready to come to terms with those things and in doing so I pushed away the person who was patient with me and loved me despite these things.  Then once I started coming to terms with these issues, essentially it was too late. 
     When I first found myself alone a year ago, the insecure side of me came out and my nature was to just want to get revenge back.  To hurt the way I was hurt, but I knew that would get me no where, but make me feel bad about doing it and to just make the situation worse.  I am not going to make this year sound like it has been all peachy and pretty, because it has not.  I have had to come face to face and head to head with all the ugly qualities I possess and lack. When you are alone and you start realizing all these "ugly things" it is somewhat depressing.  So I made the decision I wanted to take this time to grow and to find Amber again. 
     I think many parts of her is coming back to surface and it makes me happy.  I am not longer living to please anyone, except I am trying to live a more humbling life that honors my God.  I have also realized the whole concept of "needing" someone is way overrated.  I have been through ice storms, snow storms, death of a family pet, death of a loved one, vacations, closing on a new house, new car(well new for me), a mission trip, holidays, birthdays, and so much more and guess what I am doing it alone.  And even though the trials can be frustrating, it is so rewarding knowing I can do this, I am independent and I am making it.  And the best part is I am happy.  I have learned to find happiness in things I never knew I could, not to mention, I have the 4 best things that make life worth living.  I am also choosing to find the good in people and situations verses always seeing the negative and bad.  And I have an awesome mom and friends who have been great at supporting me though this transition. 
    So to point a finger and say my marriage is over, because of this person or this one thing would be so unfair.  The truth is we rushed into things, without allowing healing to take place within both of us, and with no healing, it is set up for failure.  I wish I could change things, but that is not the case, so now I find the positive in it.  I am grateful for this past year and what it has taught me and I have learned a lot.  But, I think the cool thing is I am still learning and still growing as a person, mom, and a child of God, and the minute I think I am done growing is the time I need to reflect again, because we never stop learning and growing.  I am at the point now where I no longer have to "settle", for the  fear of being alone, or settling for something I think would make other people happy.  I can be picky, I can set my standards high and if no one ever fits that, then that is ok, because for once in a very long time, I am happy with who I am and who I am in God.  And that person is a woman who loves her God, and so thankful that He loves me in return, even being the imperfect flawed person I am.  And a person who loves her children more than I ever thought would be possible, and am so grateful that even amongst my mistakes, they love me too.  I know the road ahead will not always be easy and I will continue to have struggles, but who does not?  I just open the openness and the rawness and the truth can continue to help me learn more about myself!!



Love,
Amber (The real Amber)!!!

One of those days... Actually weeks!!

   If you happened to be at the 10 am Summit service , perhaps you heard me walk in. After dropping the boys off, Kyndall and I walked into the service. The lights were off and music was playing. I generally sit up front so I walked up front. I saw some open seats in the second row, so we walked up front and around to get to them. Here was the problem.... Since the lights were off I did not see the bottom of the black stage. So yes I ran into it and fell into the lap of the gentleman In the front row sitting with his wife. Um yeah I was slightly embarrassed, but Kyndall and I just grabbed our seats and giggled a little. However, this fits perfectly to how my week as gone, but only now it is more of a laughing matter!
     This week has definitely seen it's fair share of challenges .... From unexpected bills, to clogged toilets , a health scare, frustration over someone backing out on helping one of my students, to even seeking understanding and clarity on something dealing with one of my kids. Now I am not listing these to get a pity party, I did that on my own which has brought me right to the point of this blog.
   In one day: I woke up sick to my stomach (I think due to my nerves), I found out my car was going to cost $1400 dollars and I really did not have a choice but to fix it then. Then at work I grew more frustrated that  someone who had agreed to pay for two tests for a student backed out, because he decided to help another cause . It ended with an overflowed toilet... And if you know me at all you know bodily functions and me just do not go hand in hand. Water was going everywhere and it was nasty water and I was gagging in the process and I even turned the water off. All I could imagine was it starting to leak downstairs and even start getting under the carpet upstairs. This was all the eve of the day I would find out test results of a lump found on me. So to say I was stressed would be an understatement.
   I am not going to lie, I feel like I have it together most days, but that was not one of those days. I was fighting anger and tears and even questioning God. Saying things like why, I thought I was doing more to serve you and to obey you. It was then that I felt the only thing to do and get through it was to pray. And then God opened my eyes.
  See I was not trusting fully on God to get me through these things. I was not allowing myself the peace I should have knowing that "God's already got all this under control". I know that when I put my trust in God I should not have to question things, because no matter what trials come, they will work out how God intends them to, even if at first it may not seem that way.
     Then I started to see things in a new light. I got to feeling better with a little pepto and ginger ale, I did not have to miss work and even still got my workout in. My car was fixed and my gas mileage has gotten better and what was wrong could have caused a bad wreck and it did not. Myself and my kids were not injured in a wreck due to a malfunction in my car. Also an opportunity also opened for a little extra income to help build my savings back up. Although one guy backed out of paying for 2 tests, someone else volunteered and paid for two. I ended up calling for reinforcement for my toilet and after 2 hours of fighting with a plunger and lots of bleach and Clorox. My toilet is working and the bathroom is spotless and no water leaked downstairs or into the carpet and the text results came from my lump came back Benin. So although I had a crummy week, yet again God provided for me even when I did not fully trust Him.

Always embarrassing myself,
Amber 😀

Over Compensating

    For so long I lived in this bubble.  It was a bubble that only existed to me and when it finally popped and busted my world got flipped upside down and inside out.  It was only then that I began to see life the way God intended for me to see it.
    It is a fair statement to say that I had a Christian upbringing.  My grandfather was and my hero (and still is), he was a minister of music and he walked the walk and talked the talk.  He was a true inspiration and a Godly man.  He had compassion and a servant's heart and that is one trait I am so glad that I inherited from him. I strived to be like him, but I went about it in all the wrong ways.  I felt I had to be almost near perfect, like the way I saw my papa.  The part I was not "getting" is that he had 60 plus years to find himself and find who he was in God. I never saw those day to day struggles we all face, with work, raising a young family, and still trying to figure out how to have a successful marriage. He had all these years for God to develop his character and mold him into the man God called him to be, and he obedient to God, and I got to see the man who was closing in at the end of the "working process" not the beginning. 
     I thought in order to be a "successful" Christian, I had to be as close to perfect as I could.  So I talked the talk, but failed miserably at the walk.  However, in my bubble, I thought I was doing so well and I thought I for sure was bringing more people to the Kingdom, surely not giving them a bad taste of Christianity.  But that is exactly what I was doing.  I thought I was leading people to Christ, but in truth I was detouring many of them.  Because, I "pretended" that I had it all together and I had this "faith" thing figured out.  But in reality, I was so far from having it together and I was just learning what "faith" really meant.  I acted as if I really did not have these daily struggles and strongholds, so when people saw the "imperfect" Amber, they automatically thought I was hypercritical and that just would make many have a sour taste for God and what he stood for. 
    Now that did not mean I still did not love Jesus, but I was going about things all the wrong ways.  I was in theory living a lie and hiding the very things that are now part of my testimony.  I was hiding the struggles that God wanted to use and work on with me.  He did not want me to hide it, but instead he wanted me to be open about it, so that people could see how, just because you are a Christian, life is not always perfect, but God wants for us to call and him and he will work through us and on those to "help" those struggles.  He wants people to see he can help you overcome these obstacles.  However, I did not allow that, I was too worried about "maintaining" an image.  An image that I have it all together and that my life is awesome.  I soon let these strongholds engulf me and consume me.  I let them take over me and when that happened,  I felt I just became a huge disappointment. 
   I let Satan control my thoughts and I allowed myself to believe his lies, I soon began to feel so unworthy, defeated, broken and beaten down.  It was an awful place to be in and it drove me further away from God.  I still believed in God, but I no longer felt I deserved his love or grace. After all, in my eyes all I was, was a hypricitial  mess. It was a place of loneliness and despair. 
    It was then at my lowest point, that my bubble finally busted and it all came out.  The feelings of worthlessness, the fears, the distrust , the struggles, all of it and it was such a relief.  It felt good, because the only place to turn was to God and I went to him and I prayed and prayed and He answered and delivered me in the most amazing way.
     I used to try and "overcompensate" for all my struggles and try that much harder to be perfect and in turn it made me a big fake.  It made things so much worse.  It was only when and only when I gave up total control and handed it over to God.  Now I am a work in progress.  I still face these struggles, but I don't hide them and they are getting so much better, because I am being honest and fully relying on God to help!   Part of my daily prayer is that God keeps growing me in these areas and that He continues to  make me new and just to allow people to see through me that the only way I have been able to start the process of diminishing these strongholds is by taking it to God.  I am not pretending anymore and I don't feel like I have to pretend I have it all together, because I don't!!  I am a mess!!  But the mess is what is growing my faith and my character and I am ok with being imperfectly perfect.
  

Love and Blessings,

Amber!!!!!

Sweetly Spoken

          I am not good with funerals so I tend to avoid them if possible. I  am good expressing emotions in the written form, but when I am trying to convey sympathy to people in person, I tend to stumble on my words. However, today the kids and I attended one for a very special man. A man who had more character than most can ever dream of having.
           Driving home tonight from Andon's baseball games it still was weighing heavily on my heart. He loved to hear  Andon talk about his games and he bragged so much about his nephew and the sports he played! I know my kids can be a little rambunctious at times, but they loved Scott and as soon as they saw him they went running and calling his name. I swear I think Truett's second word was Scott!! They simply adored him, but Scott also made time to play with them and talk to them! I was a little apprehensive bringing all kids to the service today , but the two little ones fell fast asleep about 10 min into it. I can  not help but to believe God had his hand on that!
             One common theme that was said over and over today was the ability Scott had to make others feel comfortable and at ease. He definitely had a servants Heart and he always always helped my family.  I know over the past 11 years he also developed a strong bond with Adam, I know he always gave him a ear and was more like a father figure than just a neighbor!  I know Scott and I had many many long conversations. We had a commonality of sports and love for animals. He watched us bring 2 of kids home from the hospital. The last couple months I was preparing for a move and I almost avoided Scott , Bc him and Joy were seriously the hardest part of moving. I knew I would never have another neighbor who would look after us and be as caring as they were. Now it makes me sick to my stomach. I very much wish I had continued on with out normal conversations !
        I still feel like I am going to see Scott, Bella, and  Hooper walking down the driveway. It absolutely does not seem real yet or possible. Scott Cherty truly was one of the best men I have had the pleasure of knowing and in so glad I did and that my kids knew him. My Heart hurts and rejoices at the same time. It hurts because people like him who radiate good should still be here, because our world has lost all he brought to it. It also hurts for all he left behind. His friends, daughter, nephew, dad,his fur babies,  grand kids and especially Joy. Their love was obvious and shined. However, it rejoices because I know Scott was a believer so I know his Homecoming is awesome . I know he is in the place we all strive to be in, so to God be all the Glory to that!
           Psalms 71:20-21 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.

    I ask now that you pray with me. Pray for Scott's friends and family . I also ask that you pray specifically for his friend Keith who was with him on the hike. I ask you to pray that God gives him

A sense of peace. I also ask that you cover his wife Joy in prayer., and pray for healing, understanding and peace. Joy is also a wonderful woman.... We have all heard how great Scott was and his heart was with her. That tells us how special she is .

        In closing, I just want to say Scott was a great neighbor, friend, parental figure, grandparent figure, but more than anything an outstanding man. I can honestly say that I would be so proud of my three boys if they grew up to be half the man he was, and I have only said that about one other man, my grandfather. Men like Scott Cherry do not come around everyday, so I will cherish the years I knew him! 

Here is a link to an article in HPE about him 

http://www.hpe.com/news/x1992158633/A-hike-to-remember

Sweetly Spoken, 

Amber 

Walls

   Walls are a funny thing. Most of the time they are built so sturdy and strong. They are meant to protect and keep stuff out. Normally, they do a great job at that. That is until you knock them down. 

     Unfortunately, I have created many walls in my own life.  I use them to protect and keep hurtful things out. I also build them up so that I can keep strong. I can not allow something/someone to come in and make me weak.  When walls are broken it allows vulnerability to show. It means that you are setting yourself up to be hurt (or at least that is how I see it).  

      I think that is one thing I really enjoyed so much about Nicaragua, my walls were down the whole time. I allowed so much love to fill me and allowed relationships to develop. It was amazing, and I never feared getting hurt. In turn, they also embraced the love. They did not allow past hurt they may have had to serve as a reason to distrust and build walls. I think it is easy to lower your wall to people, when you know they are craving your love, like the people in Nicaragua, my children and even my parents. 

     I have allowed my "walls" to control me for so long. I have missed out on so much, because I fear the hurt and pain it  could cause if I allowed someone to really break those walls and get to know all of me. The insecurites that I have fought kicks in and tells me once someone truly gets to know me, they will end up hurting me.

     So now I pray that I may begin to weaken and lower my walls. I want to be able to let people "in" like I did in Nicaragua. It was a good feeling there and I want to be able yo experience it more. I also need to realize that even if I get hurt, it's ok, because everything will work out the way God has planned it!

Does Everything Happen For a Reason?!

  There are many nights I wake up and simply can not go back to sleep! This drives me crazy and makes the next day quite hard. I am not positive why I am unable to sleep, but lately I take the "quiet" time as a time to reflect.

    I think so often I get so caught up in what I want. I let my desires take over and get caught up, yet again in trying to make myself happy. I tend to forget the bigger picture that Gods got this and already knows the bigger picture. 

   I definitely am not shy and love meeting new people. I try not to take life to serious anymore, because when I do I feel I set myself up for disappointment. So here I am trying to live in the moment and not over think things. This is a little hard for me!! But the more I am living in the moment and not worrying so much about the future, the happier I am becoming. I used to be hesitant about believing everything happens for a reason. However, here lately I have finally started to see all the puzzle pieces starting to come together. God places the right situations and the right people in our life at just the right time. 

   I am not going to lie, I wish some of pieces would not have been so hard, but how can I wish any of them away when I take a step back and look at where I am in my life. They are were lessons and experiences which grew me and my character. I know I still have many pieces left to complete my puzzle, but for the first   time in awhile I feel it is coming together nicely. 

    I am seeing how all these things that I did not understand finally making sense and I am excited about that. I am not 100% positive where my life is going, but I do see doors opening and one of those is me getting to be able to help my friends in Nicaragua and my friends at Compassion! 

    So yeah, I think everything happens for a reason. I think God lines everything up perfectly for us, we just have to be willing to embrace it and continue to have trust and patience. I have said this before, this is definitely not where I thought my life would be, but that is ok, because Life has a funny way to work out how it is supposed to.  

    I will end with this quote which is a favorite if mine. Experiences grow us and help us better to handle the life God has planned for us, whether in relationships , work, or just day to day situations. 

  " Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."

C. S. Lewis

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/cslewis103466.html#e7LoiPzLcjQX24fP.99

   

Humbly, 

Amber 

Equal.... Nah not really

    I feel if you asked the majority if us, "are we all created equal" the answer would be yes. But time and time again as a society and world we disprove this answer. I know myself as embarrassed as I am to say it, I know I have not always treated people as equals. The thing is we know the biblical truth that God loves us all the same and in the end we will be treated equal-by God. But I think we tend to forget this truth as we carry on with life.
     Here in the States I have often seen people ridicule and make fun of people who have less than them. I have seem name calling and and be down right rude.  I have been guilty sometimes of automatically judging a situation and thinking thoughts in my head that are not the best. However, it is not our duty to judge or decipher why they are where they are,  but rather have compassion and show them the love of Jesus. It is up to them how the handle the help they receive. I try reminding myself and my kids we are all one bad choice or even one bad unfortunate situation that could have us in the same position. I think as a nation we tend to not care as much for the homeless or needy.  (There are of course exceptions.) A simple example if a crime Happened to a homeless person, I personally don't think it would be given the due diligence as a tax paying person who might be blessed with more in life. I think we justify it by saying well they won't be missed or they don't have much anyways so we will get to it when we can.  I am reminded of this and shown that this is not just a United States issue.  If you keep up with my Facebook you know of the troubles that Nicaragua is facing. They have been having many earthquakes of substantial magnitude since Thursday. Since I just got back and built many wonderful relationships I do feel more bonded with these people and more uneasy about what is going on there.   One of the areas that is being hit especially hard is the Compassion site. Nicaragua had many low income areas. But the Compassion site is one of the lowest. After the first quake hit Thursday this area was hit with a big aftershock and are receiving many every hour. However, the news reported not much damage. Even in Nicaragua, since that area is very poverty stricken it is not even news worthy.
      This breaks my heart and convicts me all at the same time. I got to know these people and their families. I got to see a part of their hearts and I embraced it and I am so glad I did. I got to see them as real people, children of God, and the "equals" God created all of us to be. They are not just a number and they definitely do not have less value, because of their economic status, yet by them not even being news worthy, we have shown them and the rest of the world they are unworthy. We have validated to them that they have no hope and that there is nothing more for them. (Thank goodness Compassion does help and offer hope) . This convicts me because I think sometimes here at home I may "help" people, but I do not get to know them and embrace them as I did in Nicaragua. I did not validate them and show them they have worth and value and are "equals" to us in God's eyes even if they love in a world that undervalues them.
   Please pray for all right now in Nicaragua. Much if the nation is in a state of panic and understandably so. They say big quakes hit every 40 years and they are due. The last one was in 1972 and killed over 10,000 people and did massive amounts of destruction, especially the Capitol Managua. There has already been damage in many areas do pray they are contained at that and no more damage. They are also predicting volcanic activity so please pray that this will not happen. And finally pray for Cory and Stacy who are the missionaries who live there. Pray God protects them and gives them the necessary tools and understandings I dealing with the relief process.  Remember for the majority of people there they don't have cars or a way to leave and escape the potential so I know you can understand their fear. I do have faith that we still serve a faithful God who loves ALL his children!


Diligently praying ,
Amber

Btw / here is the latest blog from Cory and Stacy
http://condestinoanicaragua.blogspot.com/2014/04/do-not-be-afraid.html?m=1

No Idea

    When I was preparing for my trip, I knew I would come back changed.  I knew Nicaragua would impact me, mold and shape me.  What I was not ready for was my return home.  I thought when I got home, things would just be the same and that I would just maybe react to things a little different.  However, that simply is not the case. 
     I prayed going in that God soften my heart, humble me and continue to break me so that I can be remade leaving my strongholds and struggles out.  God for sure answered my prayers.  The people I met and made relationships with in Nicaragua have left a permanent stamp on my heart.  I am still in awe of their hospitality, gentleness, appreciation and sincereness.  It is qualities that we as a whole lack here in the United States. 
    We visited many homes and they always made us feel so welcomed.  They may not have had a lot, but whatever they did have they offered it to us.  We always had seating pulled out for us, so that we would be comfortable.  The people also stopped whatever they were doing and made time to talk and visit with us.  This humbled me some, because when I am at home, I struggle to make time for people and if someone comes over I am not nearly as hospitable as they were.  They make time for people and relationships, yet here I let "life" consume me.  We always left receiving so many "thanks" and hugs, which was awesome and heart warming.
     We visited one farmer during his busy season and he stopped what he was doing along with his wife to talk with us.  They also took us on a tour of his property and offered us so much fruit.  We were there well over an hour and the whole time he made us feel so welcomed and not only that, but they were proud.  They were proud of what they had and happy to share.  I think for myself sometimes I get in the mindset, in which, I feel I worked for this, and I do not have much so I need to be very careful in who I share it with.  This simply is not the case there. 
     If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram you know that I built a couple relationships and one that was very dear to me was with a little boy named Ariel.  I met him on Saturday and saw him Sunday and Tuesday as well.  Both days we talked and played.  Sunday we had a fiesta for they children from the church and one of the things we had was a piñata.  Towards the end of the day, Ariel came up and gave me two presents.  At first, he handed me a piece of gum, and my instinct was to say no thank you; but luckily a girl from Nicaragua was sitting with us and said you should take it, because it is disrespectful if you do not.  He then brought me his bracelet.  This made me pretty emotional, because here he has so little and he is giving me one thing of his.  I thought going into this trip I would be the one giving, not them.  It was so enduring and sweet and I have not taken it off yet and it is a great reminder of the selflessness that the Nicaragua people exhibit.
   This is only a tad bit of some of our experiences, and these experiences are what has changed me.  So now I am at a place of now what?  I had no idea it would be this difficult to transition back home.  I feel irritated with people, yet, I thought when I got back I would be more understanding.  I see how fast paced we are, and how much we have in excess and how we no longer put value in relationships.  This makes me have less patience for people right now and I thought I would come back with more patience.  So this is now my struggle, how do I take the emotions I felt there and the lessons I learned apply it to my life, so that I am not just impacting people in Nicaragua, because I want to also make a difference here in the states.
    Life will never be the same.  The relationships I built will always been in my heart and I am so grateful, God softened my heart so I could fully embrace the people, their culture and the lessons they taught me.  I pray that God now can soften my heart again, and that I can find the balance using the lessons I learned and apply it to the "American Life".   
    

Their Story

      I have always heard that everyone has a story and I am beginning to agree. I also think many people want to share their story and have someone listen to them. Perhaps it is so they can have an advocate, supporter, a voice, or someone just to relate and not just automatically judge them.
     Sometimes in life we are dealt hands we just don't understand. They often seem unfair and cruel and can make us question God and ask why? I don't think we will fully know the answer to this question here on Earth, but I am confident that it still perfectly fits God's plan and that good still comes out of even the hardest of circumstances.
      When I visited the Compassion site, I immediately felt myself wondering , why them Lord, why do I have so much and they have so little, but when I left that thought changed a little. Yes I still wish they had more and I still hate they live in such poverty, but they are blessed in areas I am poor in.
      My Compassion child is named Victor. He is 5 years old and so sweet and loving. Many things about him remind me of my boys and reminds me that no matter what ethnicity or economic status we are all humans and children of God.
      We had the pleasure to go down to his house and see where he Iives and meet his family. He lives with his grandmother , uncle (Felix who is 10), his brother Wilver( who is 3) and his mom who is 19. The area they cook in is right outside the house and there is a sink right outside to do laundry , however, they do not have water. There is an opening to the house (not really a door) and to the immediate left was a little spot where there was a bed. That is where the mom and Wilver slept. All the beds were very humble. There is a tiny tiny area which had a small hammock and that made up the living room. They had sheets hanging to separate the beds. Then straight back was the grandma's bed and the beside that was Felix and Victor's bed. They did have electricity and above each bed was a barb wire. Their clothes hung there and there probably is enough for 2-3 days. They have to keep up high in case it rains and floods the floor. The walls and outside were cement blocks and I did not see any toys or any thing else really.  There was an outhouse out back that was covered by tarp.
    The grandmother then showed us the small humble yard and we walked to the back of the house. We then saw written was Wilver 2009. She explained to us her son wrote that on there right before he was killed in a car wreck. She got very emotional telling us the story and said he was only 14 and was very well liked. We also found out she had one more son in jail. Hearing this my heart broke. Not only did she live in poverty, but she also had such tragedy in her life. We also found out that Victor's mom had an 8 year old son too. Now remember she is only 19. I think it is a fairly reasonable assumption to assume she was taken advantage of at that young age, and once girls "become of age" this is a common occurance there.
     When we met the daughter she was wearing a rather short skirt and this is someting I wondered about. Sure we all wear shorter stuff here in the states but it is acceptable here, but not as much there. The mother used to work in a factory but no longer does, so another reasonable assumption would be how else she makes her money. This is where I began relating to the story. Yes all of the above has heartache but this broke my heart completely. I know first hand how you can feel when you have been taken advantage of. I know how it can make you feel, how it lowers your self esteem and makes you feel worthless and how it especially makes you lose trust in humans especially men. And in my situation I was older it did not go as far. It took me until I was 30 to admit this and begin healing and moving forward from it, yet she had to face it head on since she became pregnant.
    I also know I would do anything to provide for my kids and making a little money for her is literally life and death. I know it is easy to automatically begin judging her, but we need to remember what she has been through, where she is now and that she is still an awesome child of God. And God always knows out heart and why we do the things we do.  I just could see the despair in her and see a broken girl even in her extreme beauty. I know she feels she has lost hope, but Compassion can help and begin to give her hope again.
    The boys hair showed they were malnourished and there bellies were tight, indicating parasites and this was hard to see. We were able to take grandma,  Felix, Victor and Wilver out to lunch. We took them to a fast good restaurant with a play place. They had so much fun and had a great time. When I got done eating I put my napkin over my food. A couple minutes later I saw Victor going to it and getting my food. It just showed me he is always in complete survival mode. We were also able to bring the mom something back. This was the first time they had ever been out to eat. Man talking about convicting , here my kids fight about which place we eat and here they never ever get this opportunity.
     Thanks to Stacy, I was able to bring Victor a little bag of toys. It was so enduring and sweet to watch him. There was one point he had a little stuff animal and he ran and gave it to Wilver. He also gave some to Felix. This warmed my heart and showed me that even though they live in poverty they have so much love for each other and respect and showed me that perhaps I lacked in some of that.
    I absolutely feel in love with this family and am so glad I could meet them and get a glimpse into their life. Wilver also stole my heart and was so snuggly and lovable. It was so hard to say good bye and I did not want to. When we hugged grandma bye we noticed her fingers. They had become nubs and her fingernails were almost gone. This was due to her job. She cleaned and did laundry for other people and is a very hard worker. She works hard to support her family and she is proud.
     It is very easy to get caught up in all the negative that surrounds them, because they do have a lot of hardships. But I find it comforting that they have Compassion to help in what they can and give them hope again when life seems hopeless. I am praying daily for them and look forward to growing and strengthening my relationship with the whole family. I pray I can be a small voice and advocate for them but most of all I pray they continue to love Jesus even amongst their heartaches.
   

Humbly yours,
Amber

My Mess

       I am so picky about my house! I really like for it to be very clean and organized! However, this is a struggle with 4 kids and 2 dogs. I like all all superheroes in one bin and dress up in another. All toys are seperated into a certain category and put in the appropriate bin. Well right now my house is a total mess. I have piles of laundry that need to be put up and every bedroom needs a good cleaning! This is stressing me out. I would love for there to be a magic wand that could just zap it all spic and span, but unfortunately that just is not the case!
       My life has had moments in which it was also a total mess. It could be caused by work, or my faith failing  or because of  certain relationships.  No matter the reason there have been times I just feel my world is in utter chaos. When I look back I see that most of the time I tried to try and handle and fix all these things on my own. That normally made things worse. I was to proud to surrender it all to God and allow him to help me through it. But.... God wants us to call on Him and He wants us to cling to Him. God wants to reach kn us and grab ahold of this mess and help us.
       If it is so easy for God to come in and "fix" our mess than why do I still struggle with this? Because you can not just ask God to fix it and not totally trust that He can. You have to have complete faith and trust that He can help you. You have to surrender to Him and this has been hard for me. I am just know learning how to give God all of me and fully trust him. But in doing this I can see that He is taking ahold of these messes and helping me work them out or even turning them into blessings.   This definitely does not mean that I am not going to have anymore "messes" it just means that I now have the best teammate I possibly could when going into battle with these "messes".

Please continue to pray as my trip in quickly approaching . However, I have to say the journey to this has already taught me so much !
     
13 days!!
Love,
Amber

Break Me

    I loved playing sports growing up and I definitely would have considered myself an athlete.  I still enjoy playing and watching sports and if you watch or play a sport you know it takes a lot of hard work to be successful at it.  You need to be driven and you need to be passionate about it.  Many of the teams I played for had winning seasons, but it was the times that I was "cut" or when we would lose that made me work harder than ever.  I quickly realized that being at the bottom was horrible and it was in those moments I worked the hardest.
    This is similar to how my relationship with Jesus has been.  When things in my life are great, then I tend not to be as passionate about Him, but when circumstances change I cling to Him and realize He is the only constant thing I have and only thing I can fully trust.  It is in the mist of my brokenness that my faith is made stronger. 
   This past week I have really been praying more about my trip.  I have been praying that God just please make me as effective as possible in sharing His love.  However, as I have been praying, I have felt a strong desire to also pray that God completely "break me".  I know that sounds crazy, but it's not.  I want God to break me down, dissect me and strip me of any strongholds I have or anything that is preventing me from fully honoring Him. I want to be at a place of complete brokenness, so that I finally get rid of all these things that are so harmful to me. Once God breaks me, I can begin to rebuild myself with faith and trust.  This does not mean that I will be perfect from here on out, it just means I have been redeemed and restored!
  Please pray with me that I can give up total control right now and allow God to completely "break me".  I am yearning to be all that He is calling me to be, but I need this to transpire in order to be the most effective on this journey!

Love!!
18 days!!

Amber

Trust

     I love that feeling I get when one of my kids might fall and get a little boo boo and they run to me or want me.  The older ones might just want the reassurance from me that they will be ok and the younger ones want me to kiss it (once I kiss it seems to be all better).  It is amazing to me that they have that much trust and faith in me that a kiss or a reassurance hug is all it takes to make it seem better.  I wish I could give them the gift of always trusting that way, but life teaches us differently.  As we grow up and get older we come across and get taught life lessons that teach us otherwise.  We learn not to be so trusting and to be guarded.
    I struggle everyday with trust and Sunday at church one of the songs was I Will Trust In You.  Man I really needed to hear those words.  There is so much in my life right now that is new and requires me stepping out of my comfort zone.  Naturally, the first thing for me to do is have doubt and to question.  I am trying to follow and trust the Lord with these things, however that is hard and new for me.  I can make excuses all day long why I do not trust, but the simple fact is God has never given me a reason not to trust him.
   My life is not where I thought it would be and this makes me sad some.  There are times I want to go back in time and change so much or make different and better choices, but the fact is that is not possible.  Through all of this God has been there, whether I let Him in or turned away from Him, He was there.  So now I am trying to trust that God has and is still working on my character through the process of my life.  He is making me stronger and I am learning to lean to Him and come to Him for the wisdom I desperately need.  I have learned no matter how good someone is, they are still human and imperfect and until I can fully trust God to guide me and trust that He has me, I am going to continue distrusting everyone and continue pulling away from anyone who attempts to get close to me. 
    Saying you trust God is totally different, then actually listening to Him and do what He says even when it may not be what you want.  As I am doing this, I am starting to see me having trust again in more situations.  I am beginning not to worry so much and even starting to regain trust in people again.  This is hard but it feels good too. 
    As I am mentally trying to prepare myself for Nicaragua, I have been praying and thinking a lot about trust.  I can only imagine how some of the people there feel and especially the children.  The people here have so little, have had family members taken away and deal with way more than we can imagine.  Kids have lost parents so young to sickness and work so young.  They have every reason to be bitter and not trust.  Yet, many embrace people coming in helping them and embrace hearing God's word.  They TRUST what we say even when their whole lives they have been showed actions that would cause many of us to never trust again.  I am faithfully praying now that I can continue to gain this trust and learn from all the many wonderful people I will come in contact with on this trip!!

24 days!!!
Amber

Unworthy

    I know that I have shared Before that I struggle with self worth.  I do not struggle nearly as much as I used to, but it is a battle I will always fight. I allowed this to take over every area of my life; with relationships and especially my relationship with God.
     It is no big secret that I have not always made the best choices in life, and I am a pretty open book.     It has always been out there for all to judge and I used this as an excuse to keep me from my calling. I allowed it to take full control over me and I believed this lie that I was to unworthy to fulfill my calling and if I tried it would be ineffective.
     This simply is not the case and as my self worth as increased so has my self confidence in who I am.  I think there are other people like me who feel they are to unworthy to serve God, because of who they are or what they have done. However, look at David in the Bible, he was a murderer and an adulterer. Heck he even had an affair with his best friend's wife and then killed him to cover it up, and  God said he was a man after His own heart. I am not throwing that out there to denounce Christians, but rather say we are all sinful and all have made mistakes and will always continue to because we are human. We all have a calling and a gift, "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully. Romans 12:6-8
       The experiences, battles, and struggles  we face is just part of the process needed in God developing our character. We are all  broken and we all have struggles and Gid needs  imperfect people to relate and minister to the people the rest of society as deemed unworthy. God wants us to be be able to relate to everyone and relate to some of the strongholds people are facing.  I honestly feel God is calling a new generation of people in the ministry. The broken who have found healing in God and now can use that as a testament.
       God wants every single one of us. Even if you think you are "too bad" or too far gone . That is just a lie from the enemy to prevent you from being all you can be. God has already equipped you with the necessary tools and heart to be what He wants you to be.  God is seeking you, running after you, and coming after you; even if you are bruised, scarred, broken  or no matter how bad your past is.  God's love  for us is more than we can ever imagine and fathom.  So embrace it, hold on to it and let it transform you. Take it in and let it fill you up . Then allow yourself to see the person you are as God does and as God as made you; awesome , wonderful and someone that He wants to fulfill their calling.

Love!!!
33 days:))

Amber

Outward Appearance

     I read a story awhile back about a preacher who dressed himself as a homeless man, and went near the "new" church he was getting ready to start pastoring in.  To his surprise he was ridiculed and not really helped that much.  He was amongst "Christians" the ones, who should exhibit love and should help.  After all are we called to love and help everyone and try to let God's love shine through us?  This story did not really surprise me as much as it saddened me. 
   I try and always remind myself and tell my children, we are all one bad choice or uncontrolled circumstance from being in a similar situation.  It is not our job to judge why people are where they are or to make fun of them, but I feel it is our duty to help them in some way.  I know everyone does not have the resources to help them finically, but you can pray for them, or talk to them and just treat them as humans and as equals.  I have seen people mock homeless people and point and just berate and that hurts me.
   That is the beauty of Jesus, he could careless about the outward appearance.  He knows why people are in the situation they are in and he knows the heart and cares about the heart.  He loves us all no matter of economic status.  He wants us all in Heaven and the awesome thing is ANYONE who gives their heart to Jesus will be worshipping in Heaven all together.
     I said before although I am so excited to help on my missions trip, I also feel I need this for selfish reasons. I need to be humbled again.  I have a feeling some of the things I will see will be gut wrenching and I know this will be hard, but it will give me a chance to see "more" to someone than just how they look.  I will get to spend time with people and invest in them.  I am sure if some of these people were on our streets they would be passed by, because they are extremely poor and will look homeless. 
   There is a Christian artist I really like, Lecrae, he posted a picture of a homeless man playing the piano.  I loved the picture.  It was heartwarming and touching.  Everyone has a story and no matter what people deserve to be treated as humans and helped!! They are not gross or mean they are still people and people we are called to love.
  So I ask that you pray for me that my heart continue to be humbled and see past the surface of things and embrace the strengths in all people and not dwell on the superficial part.  Also, pray that I continue on having a servants heart and that I am able to use it for God's glory.

36 days out.....
Amber

Tick Tock

    There are so many afternoons or nights I get home from work and am just starving.  I have laid out things for a great dinner, but I am so hungry I just start eating junk and fill up on it.  After I eat the junk I feel miserable.  I wish I had just waited the extra 30 minutes for me to prepare my dinner.  It would have tasted better, more fulfilling and healthier.  This concept of waiting is hard for me in "life" and a struggle I face.
    I have stated some before that I have a lot of things I am waiting on right and that I struggle with it.  I like things to happen now and as fate would have it, the series they are preaching on at church is about waiting.  I need to be reminded of the reasons I need to wait, to be reminded that God's plan is worth the "wait".  Here is some of the highlights of the past two sermons.
    The biggest reasons God is making us wait is to prepare us and protect us.  We desperately need these two things and when we don't wait we will miss out on the long term plans that God has for us.
     He protects us from many things, including my impulsiveness.  Just like with the dinner, I was impulsive and ate junk instead of waiting for a better dinner.  He wants us to think and rethink a situation and ask for wisdom and seek Him for guidance. He also could be protecting us from certain relationships.  I see this now in my life.  He wants me to wait because he is still developing character in all involved so that we can all be what God wants us to be, so that we can come into the relationship the way God planned it.  If I try to rush it, then it will go sour and downhill, because our character is not developed enough to handle life together yet.  If you don't wait then a situation could abuse, cause pain and hurt you. So even though God is asking me to wait, I do see the changes happening in me and I see my character developing.  I also see a clearer path now as to what I am looking for and what I need to stay away from.
   God is working on more than our character but also our heart and integrity.  He needs to prepare us for what is ahead, because he knows at this point we can not handle it.  We need to experience some of life first and let him continue to work on the situation(s) and allow him to perfect it, while we wait.  He also could be preparing someone else for your journey and God is also preparing them for you (this is what I feel God has told me), it does make the waiting harder.
     So as hard as the wait is, I am learning not to rush and not to push ahead and pray and ask for guidance on what is coming next.  He is still working behind the scenes and creating something far more purposeful than we can image.  This is somewhat exciting.  I am thankful he is working on me and preparing me.  He is changing my character so I do not continue to act irrational where a situation could not be the best for me!

Awkward

   When I was in 6th grade I had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day! Seeing each other in the hallway and writing notes and perhaps a couple phone calls of complete silence was the extent of our relationship. So I definitely was not  expecting a gift on Valentine's Day, but to my suprise I got a box of chocolates and some roses. I felt so awkward and embarrassed ... All I got him was a card. I think to this day it has traumatized my perception of Valentine'sDay! I really do not care for it and for that matter I do not really care for flowers !
     You often hear people say, you should not just celebrate the people you love one day a year and I understand that, but I also understand how to some it can be a fun excuse to profess  your love to someone!  I do feel we often neglect our love ones and forget to tell them on a daily basis how much we love them or care for them.   I am guilty of this sometimes., so perhaps this is a day to remind us.
     I especially neglect professing and telling My Savior how much I love him. I think love is an amazing thing and it is an especially amazing gift He gives us all. My prayer here lately and a prayer I am asking you to pray with me is that when I go on this mission trip, Christ's love will shine through me so bright that all the people I come in contact with in Nicaragua will see this love and want it!!
     So even though I might not be a fan of Valentine's Day, I am still a fan of love. I do not like the cheesy romance but I love the butterflies love gives you.  And most of all I love knowing I have an endless love and am unconditional love from  My Heavenly Father!!

42 days,
Amber

Satan's Attack

    I am going to be honest with you and say this past week has been hard.  I was warned and was somewhat prepared for Satan's Attack.  That does not take the sting off anymore and definitely does not make the hurt go away.  Satan is attacking my insecurities in many areas of my life, and honestly I understand why people give up their calling and decide to quit pushing forward. I get it and it has crossed my mind.  This is hard, this is real life, but going into this I decided I would not give up and I would see things though. 
    When I get hurt, I naturally get defensive and sometimes I even seek revenge.  It might not be something big, but I try and get even and go back and forth in these trivial insults, hurts, threats, and perhaps even doing the same thing.  And although this is tempting, I do not want to be that person.  I want to be more, be the bigger person and give it to God.  I know that sounds easy, but let me tell you it is not.  That means giving up control and totally trusting God to take care of this.  I know we all say, "God's got this", "trust in God", but how many times have you actually fully give all control over your life to God?  I have not and I am now and it is hard.  I have to have trust in Him and trust is so hard for me. 
  One specific hurt I am facing and moving past is;  I am to the realization I can not change people.  It simply does not matter how much I expect from them or how much I want from them, their "change"
has to come from within themselves and in their hearts.  This hurts me in a couple areas of my life, I hate letting go and I hate "waiting" for them to change, but it is above me and all I can do is pray for their heart and for myself continue on this incredible journey that is being laid out for me.
    I have often heard the bigger the attack the bigger the calling.  This scares the mess out of me and also excites me.  I can tell you I have been attacked in my relationships(friends and partner), kids, insecurities, doubt, and list goes on.  But this is not about a pity party, but rather learning how to give it to God and pressing though.  (I realize and see everyday the struggles everyone goes through) I am still a little apprehensive about thing's that still might come, but I am also excited!!  I know without a doubt this mission trip, the journey to it, the aftermath of it, the life lessons, The Word and Gospel being shared,and the upcoming missions is going to be worth it 10 fold.  Not only for me but for all involved! 

Diligently Praying for everyone reading,
45 days away,

Amber

Don't Care

     I love when I am home or with my kids and I am having a bad day, they just seem to smile and make things seem better.  With their age comes such an innocence.  They do not care about my past or mistakes I made, instead they love me for me and that definitely brightens my day.
     That is one of the cool things I think about missions.  The people you help, do not automatically judge your appearance, but rather see you as good, as someone who is there to help.  They do not care about your past, color of your skin, how many tattoo or piercings you have, your height, hair color, college degrees, jobs,  but rather they care about you.  They latch on and adore you for who you are and how you act to them.  There is no preconceived notions.  They see the heart of a person, not the appearance. They see how you are with them, the love you potentially have to give them and the helping hand they so need. 
    Here, there are times I feel no matter what I do, I will always be judged for certain things.  It could be the stereotype that comes with my appearance or my past, either way, as a society we care more about the outside of someone than the heart of someone.  I am learning "not to care too".  I am beginning to see that outward perception is so over rated and sometimes the people who have the biggest heart and are always willing to lend a helping hand are the ones you would least expect.  These are the people I want in my life and to surround myself with.  I do not care if you are the prettiest, ugliest, smartest, dumbest, most successful, or have 100 tattoos or a beard to your chest.  I care where your heart is and that is the way God is too.  We can not fool him.
     I think one reason I feel so called to missions overseas is because I feel that this is where I will be able to be the most effective in my "mission field".  I think I will be most effective here for all the above reasons. 


47 days away.....
Amber

Words

       I said yesterday that I really love listening to song lyrics.. Well a few years back there was a song called "Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth", by Primitive Radio Gods. Well until recently I thought the song said, "I've been down in Harlem" instead of "I've been done-hearted.  Yeah I would sing it out loud too so there is no dealing how many times I embarrassed myself. Even when I knew the correct words it was so hard for me to say them because my brain had already implanted "I've been down in Harlem". 
      One of my worst flaws is saying things I do not mean out of anger, fear or hurt.  This is something I am desperately trying to change because whether I mean them or not, once said, the words are  imprinted on the brain. I don't want to be someone that degrades or brings someone down but rather lifts them up.  I know for me when I hear negativity so much... I actually start believing it about myself.  You could tell me you love me 100 times and you hate me 2 times and I am going to remember the "I hate you" comment more.  
     Words are powerful and I do personally feel you can speak certain things into existence.  I am hoping with my trip I can use words and speak life, power, happiness and speak God's word to them. I hope positive words can make a difference to them and I hope I can leave good words for them to imprint on their brain.

DESIRES

        The past couple months I have tried to spend a lot of time in prayer, reflecting and in the word.  I think I have found out a lot about myself and one being I think I have made many decisions based on what I think I need and not want.  Now, do not get me wrong, this is good to a degree but I kept thinking my "wants" and "desires" were selfish and not what was best.  However, through this self reflection, I see this is ok!
       I definitely think God wants us to have the desires of our heart.  "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4  When you go after only what you "think" you need, things are obviously going to go astray, and that happened to me.  When I threw my desires away and focused only on what I thought I need, I changed my way of living, thinking, and doing to continue to fit the mold of what I thought I needed to be, all the while inside I was miserable.  I knew this was not what truly made me happy but I thought it would make my life better. Boy was I wrong.  In this process, I lost myself, I stopped doing what made me happy, what I enjoyed and I put my goals and aspirations on hold and in the misery my walk in Christ suffered.
     I recently have actually been praying that God open doors for the desires of my heart and guess what, he has.  One of them being doing missions.  It is so exciting that God has abled me to find a way to do this mission trip and continue to provide for it, even when I have doubted it.  BUT he knows this is such a huge desire of mine!  I also have more desires and what I am learning is if you have a strong convection with it, it probably is not from God.  I have had one that I just continue to pray Lord if this is not from you please take this desire away and although he is not taking it away, he is telling me to be patient with it.  And things will work themselves out.  But see this is hard for me, I want things now and yesterday, I do not want to wait.  However, in this wait God is preparing this "desire" to be even better.  I still need to develop myself in the person He needs me to be.  It almost appears to be too good to be true. I feel there is no way this could be for me, because I am underserving of what I see as almost perfection, but what I see as almost perfection, is from the desire He has put on my heart.  I also see it at face value and say oh man there is no way that will be good for me, but then God reminds me there is so much more than just what appears at the surface and I need to pray to get a glimpse of the "heart" involved.  It falls into the category of something I have wanted and I used to think oh this would be bad for me, but that just is not the case.  I am learning to have trust in hearing God, patience in waiting for God's timing, and faith that when I keep my eyes focused on Him, I will have my desires. 

Victor

     Hi!! Meet Victor!!!  He is the child we sponsor! The kids and I picked him out together. We sponsor him through Compassion and you ready for the coolest part...... I get to meet him :)))
     When I am in Nicaragua we will go visit him and his village. Compassion has a policy where each each child is only given one sponsor, so we are the only ones that finically support him. I know you hardly ever get to meet the child you sponsor so how cool is this??!!
      Victor's house is mostly wood walls and dirt floors. His diet is mainly rice, beans and plantains. There are so many health issues in his area  and most of the people in his area make around $80 a month. So as you can see they have very little. I wish I could help so many more but at least we are making a difference to him!!
        I know times are hard and yes $38 a month is a lot.... I get it-I am raising 4 kids and sometimes I stress about money, but at the same time I probably waste that on frivolous items every month. Just think what $38 a month can do to them verses what we spend it on. 
      The kids also enjoy this. We get to write him, pray for him and I am able to teach them valuable lessons from this. So if anyone wants more information on sponsoring a child please let me know!!

54 days away,

Amber

BROKEN

      "The single cause of atheism in the world, is people who acknowledge Christ by their mouth and deny him by their lifestyle."   Brennan Manning 

      I have used this quote many times before and it is one of my all time favorite quotes. If you ever read much of Brennan Manning's things, you know he was a man of God but also a very broken man. He had his struggles, strongholds and he was honest about these. We are human and we will never be perfect no matter how hard we try or no matter how much we try to make others believe we are. 
      For a long time I myself lived in a state of hiding behind a smile and pretty face. I thought just professing I was a christian I was helping bring SO many to God. however, I now have learned I did more harm than good, because I was that quote. I spoke I loved Jesus but I did not live my life accordingly. I hid my pains and my struggles. So here I am now, let me introduce myself, "Hi, my name is Amber and I have been /and still am broken, I have been hurt and I have hurt, I think, say, listen , and watch things that may not be the best choice, but I am human and I am TRYING to be a good person and my heart has changed. 
     I was hurt in my childhood years, then in my teen years a situation left me feeling powerless. I let these situations define me and take over. I allowed the pain and hurt to become my excuse, I allowed it to make me a victim. Let me clear this I had a great mom and loving family but that does not negate the fact I was hurt and I let it take power over me. I let this hurt tell me everyday I am worthless and unlovable. I looked for love all over and when I started to feel it some I pushed it away, because I did not want to be "hurt " by it. This "lie" even hurt my walk with God. I would not accept the love he was yearning to give me, therefore I could not be the woman God wanted me to be. This is still a struggle and it will always be, but I have learned to love myself and be confident in who I am and who I am in God. Most importantly I am allowing myself to embrace God's love. 
      I feel we now live in a broken world. So many people have been broken. And if you have not count your blessings! For me personally, I feel sometimes it is easier for me to relate to people who have been in similar situations. I hope I can be a light to anyone who has struggles and maybe they can relate just a little to me. 
     I have always loved helping but the desire has grown stronger and I do feel God is going to use where I have been and my past brokenness to help others, especially in the mission field.  So yes I am a Christian and I love Jesus wholeheartly , but my struggles are still here and I still hurt and I still am not perfect and will continue to make mistakes and screw up, but I have this relationship now with our Heavenly Father and I know that even though all of that will happen , I am LOVED by him and has much as a cliche as this sounds, having that love helps fight them head on instead of playing victim!